Leadership is a front-and-center job. It’s hard to hide, and if you have chosen leadership, why would you even want to be in the background? Yet, there are times we all need a break and even then, even when you are on holiday, you know you are still being judged, worshipped, detested, quoted, ridiculed, respected, and second-guessed. It’s the nature of the position.
Take a few minutes and think back to when your career as a leader started. It certainly began long before you accepted your present position. It may have been when you ran for a class office in junior high, or became the captain of a sports team in high school. Think about what you learned at that juncture about playing to the crowd, perhaps, even the local media, and what it means to maintain authenticity.
Now, look at the mantle of leadership and how well it fits you. Do you find it too loose, too tight or just right? Some of us have to let the seams out and become more forceful, own more of the package. Others need to rein in their authority or are seen as that awful woman in “The Devil Wears Prada”. I don’t really know of any present-day leader of a large company, an entrepreneur endeavor, a project manager, a school official, a government agency head, who tells me they have it “just right”.
It seems all women leaders are searching for the balance between public persona and private person. There are so many expectations about who a leader is – who you are; what a leader should say – what you communicate; how a leader looks – how you dress. Think about the demands and how you feel about the burdens of performing and meeting the expectations set upon you.
Where does the word “authentic” fit into your inner dialogue? From all of my coaching clients, I am aware (as well as in my own inner conversations) that there is a continuous struggle between being someone the world wants and what you know is the right fit for you. It is a constant battle – kind of like that extra ten pounds that are always either obvious or hidden in the background ready to disrupt.
There is an excellent article on Oprah.com, written by Mike Robbins, about the need for recognition and the craving for fame, that has some great insights. Now, I am not suggesting that as a women leader your driving force is to be famous. I am saying that being noticed and critiqued comes with the territory. It is a relationship with employees, customers, community, and often, stakeholders.
Our relationship with positional power is directly related to our sense of personal power.
This is a season of reflection, so take some time to look at the patterns of behavior, the relationship world, that has shaped your ability to be authentic, stand firm and not succumb to the demands of colleagues, community, or critics and be true to yourself. Not an easy task to find the way OUT of old behaviors into new, more effective true-to-yourself reactions. Not easy to go from “too this” or “too that” to “just right”.
Take time to Observe, Understand and then Transform behaviors that are blocking the route to authenticity. One gift I would like to give you is the opportunity to take the pattern aware quiz at www.sylvialafair.com and then have some phone time to assess the results.
The best gift we can give ourselves going into the new decade is the gift of deep diving into our own authenticity and how our presence impacts those we lead.
Tiger Woods’ stories are touching almost every aspect of life in organizations today. Does he owe anything to the golfing community where he is seen as a CEO of sorts? Does he owe anything to his previously adoring public? Of course he owes much to his family, not just wife and children. What about his mother, and mother-in-law who fainted, assumingly from the stress, last week?
One area that could possibly shed some light on the issues of today would be to look at the life Tigerhad as a youngster and how that has played out in his adult work-life. This is simply another perspective to consider. Having worked as a family therapistfor years, I know first hand that what goes on in someone’s, anyone’s home is multilayered and complex and cannot be analyzed into two simple categories of good Tiger, and bad Tiger.
Maybe this could be a “wake up call” to parents who are uni-focused on the success of their children, perhaps at the cost of their emotional development. The same can be said for many other sports and media stars that were put into little boxes and became objects to be packaged for the world to adore.
Andre Agassi talks about the tennis court as a prison. Judy Garland never recouped from being a child star without the opportunity to be a child. Macaulay Culkin, Lindsay Lohan, and of course, Michael Jackson.
This is not about pointing fingers of blame; it is about redirecting our priorities. How many parents suggest that their youngsters, especially those with a wee bit of talent, focus on that strength at the expense of becoming a whole person?
All leadership developmentprograms need to address this insanity of what success really means. Think about it – with all his homes, yacht, fame and money, what does Tiger have in terms of contentment and joy? Was he running after sex or something deeper and more illusive that is still haunting him from his childhood? Let me know what you think.
Are leaders measured by different standards than the rest of us? If not, they should be! They are the ones who set the standards of what matters at work, or in society, and if they are in the “Follow me, I know the best way to go” mode, then we really need to ask and understand what and why we should follow.
It is time to evaluate our teachers, our politicians, our gurus by standards that show they live what they teach. However, are sports stars or media moguls in the same classification? They are great at letting us know the best way to swing a bat, make a basket, run a race or what to wear to be hip and in. That is a far different cry than how to live a life.
What are the questions we should be asking of our leaders? Do we have a right to ask about their personal lives or is it enough that they show us how to make money or gain an edge over our competition at work?
Perhaps all the “news” about affairs and betrayals are exploding so that we can ask the real questions about what it means to compose a life, to live with integrity. All leadership development programsneed a section to look at the ethics of living a purposeful life, one that can withstand today’s demand for radical transparency.
Eugene Robinson’s article in The Washington Postis a great example of what we are searching for in our own lives as we explore the foibles and mistakes of others. A big question is why we are spending so much time dissecting Tiger Woodsand his troubles when we have global warming and starvation and wars to contend with. Perhaps we are all looking at the rich and famous and seeing ourselves in them, No, not the big houses or shiny cars, more the underlying human dilemmas of what it really takes to be happy aside from the glitz and glitter.
Maybe it is time for us to sit with each other and redefine success. Do the Tiger Woods of the world exemplify successful living just because they can be golf wizards or Wall Street magicians?
It is time for all of us to think about, and share with each other, how we can bring forth in our culture what we all desire: love, truth, fairness, trust, and empathy. If out of all the messes in relationships we have seen this year, we can begin to open up dialogues about our human connection, then Tiger, Governor Sanford, Bernie Madoff, and the like will have given us a gift beyond just the ramble of gossip.
In a recent Psychology Today article, there was an old spin on the Tiger Woods affair. He did what he did, “because he could”, suggests the PhD psychologist. It was the aphrodisiac of power that lured him into “misbehaving”.
Remember when Bill Clinton had the whole world riveted with his shenanigans in the oval office? Lots of time went into the discussion of “should we care or not, and “whose business is it anyway”? and “it only belongs with the family”.
I could go on and on with names. Anyone remember Governor Mark Sanford? Elliot Spitzer? John Edwards? And if we continue to peel the onion back, we can find female names to add to the mix. Did Kate Gosselin “do it” with her security guard or not?
Why so much hype about what goes on in various bedrooms or motel rooms around the world? Is it just the love of gossip or, is it something else, something deeper in the generic psyche of people struggling to make sense out of relationships and what it means to commit to another?
Maybe the gossip, the endless articles, the “experts” on T.V. dissecting the reasons and back stories of the rich and famous are really our stories too – all of our stories. Maybe we, both men and women, want to make sense out of the commitment of marriage, out of the sacredness of family, out of how we should behave as models for future generations.
This appears to be a time of “radical transparency” when sexual and monetary transgressions are coming to light faster and more intently than in the past. It is too easy to brush this subject off with the “because s/he could” psychology.
Is there such a thing as sexual ethics? Is this the time for leadership development programsto tackle the issue of the ethics of how we relate to each other, to those we love, to sex, to money? Is this a time for teens to learn more than how to prevent pregnancy or just say “no” to sex, drugs, or cheating?
Now, I am not the type of prude that Europeans, who disregard most American, laugh about; those righteous individuals who spend so much time spying into the bedrooms of others and wagging their fingers at the results. I believe if folks want to carouse and test out different relationships, that is their prerogative. However, and this is a big HOWEVER, I do put out a plea for deeper discussion and understanding of the power of intimate relationships – actually, all relationships.
You see, I know that we can only get out of relationships as much as we are willing to put into them. So, if we dabble, well, don’t expect long term deep commitment back. And if we are willing to deep-dive into the mystery of relating, there are the priceless pearls that can only be retrieved from way at the bottom of the ocean of emotional and personal commitment.
It is time for us to break the patternsof the past that said “look away, ignore, deny, and avoid what is difficult and unpleasant”. It is time for all of us to ask what really matters and stop giving superficial answers to issues that are at the core of what it means to be a human being of integrity. It’s about you, it’s about me, and it’s about time!
Why do we care what happened to Tiger Woodsand his car accident? Do we care if the same thing had happened to a next door neighbor? What is the reason we salivate and wait for the next bit of news about celebrities and their private lives?
Maybe we are just getting ready to accept the fact that it is an illusion to want to separate who we are at home from who we are at work from who we are in the media from who we are at a party from who we are at the gym from who we are……get the point?
I believe we are finally looking for a deeper meaning of what it means to be a human being. We want authenticity. Not just for others, for ourselves. The search is long and hard and there are few sign posts along the way to help us.
So we look to those who we see as leaders, as successful, as models for what we want to become and where we want to go. Tiger Woods is only one example of an individual who has trained long and hard, become a success hitting a little white ball into a little round hole on beautiful greens around the world. He has made a fortune as an example of equanimity and grace on and off the golf course.
So now what? We want to know why he was leaving his house at 2:20 AM after Thanksgiving. We want to know why his car was shattered and windows broken. We want to know if he is really having an affair. Is it just so we can gossip and point fingers at yet another famous person who has possibly made a mess out of his life?
I believe we are searching for what is real and what really matters. In this time of accelerated speed when change happens in a fast and furious manner we are looking for touch stones. We are looking for leaders who we can follow and tell our kids, “Behave like this and you will find success and happiness”. Maybe we need to look more deeply and ask deeper questions.
This is a time of radical transparency. It is a time when actions and words are being measured to see if they are aligned. It is a time when integrity means what we think, say, and do, match. It is a time when leaders are being asked to step up to the plate and become the shining examples for future generations to watch and follow.
Do we want perfection? I think not. I do believe what we want and need from leadership development programs, from leaders around the world is to learn from them, to learn from mistakes, to learn about truth and decency, to learn about right actions.
Every day there is another individual who has made a fortune, won a tournament or an Oscar, who has fallen from grace. Maybe we are looking in all the wrong places for what it means to lead, for what it means to become a role model, for what it means to make a difference.
Maybe all the media frenzy would go away if we really began to look at the crazy split we have created showing a different face in public from who we are in private. Maybe if we begin to heal the divide, lessen the compartmentalization, we can all become healthier, more whole human beings.
It begins when we face the illusion that we should be different at home than we are at work. In the Total Leadership Connectionsprogram our company has developed, the hardest part is looking at the behavior patterns learned as children and how we need to transform what protected us as kids and change these patterns to their healthy opposites that will serve us better as adults.
Perhaps all of us, celebrities, politicians, teachers, CEO’s and everyone else would benefit from learning how to be examples of integrity in all aspects of our lives. No, not to become models of perfection, that is impossible; yet to strive for truth and authenticity, that is doable. Then maybe, just maybe, we will stop the media frenzy, stop looking at other fallible humans and want to become like them because they can hit a ball, make a touchdown, or win an election. It’s about you, it’s about me, and it’s about time!
I’m on a roll with wanting to understand economics differently. I must admit, I gave up counting in third grade, never liked numbers, and preferred the messy world of emotions to the precision of math.
However, as I research the impact of money on our lives for my new e-book (soon to be ready “Ka-Ch’ing! How Family Patterns Play with Your Money Mind), I am becoming more and more fascinated with those who have new ideas about how to distribute and divide our global wealth.
I recently happened upon a Cambridge University economist (the U.K. is certainly in my consciousness these days) who has some exciting ideas about what we are doing and what to do about it. Her name is Noreena Hertz and she is a bright light in a complex and often unwieldy academic science.
It may be that her message, one that has been whispered about in organizations, rarely said loudly and boldly, is that markets need to serve the interests of people as much as they serve companies and shareholders. Check out her book “The Silent Takeover” (2001) about how unsustainable laissez-faire capitalism is and the idea that markets are stable.
As I keep a pulse on trends, one that is staying loud and strong, is about radical transparency. It may be because the internet tracks things in the blink of an eye, it may be that enough individuals in the younger generations are asking better questions, it may be that we know we can’t survive with underhanded deals and power struggles as a major form of business transaction.
Hertz is a voice that is bound to become louder and stronger. She makes a case for rights and responsibilities that are part of free trade. Rights and responsibilities; sounds like we are talking ethics here. Maybe, just maybe, we should start teaching about rights and responsibilities in school, from primary through senior high, and perhaps we should have parenting courses that include an ethical component. Then by the time high potentials have entered esteemed leadership development programs around the globe they will have a strong foundation upon which to discuss adaptive business models and financial structures that take both profit and larger social goals into account.
Last week there was an article inBNETdiscussingwhy women are so unhappy. Many good points were covered; yet, that is not what I want to write about today. I have been fascinated by the number (almost 150) by count on Sunday of responses to this article.
Most of the reactions were from women, and an occasional man who also put his thoughts in the commentary section. I began to look for thepatterns that would give some understanding to the angst that is in the atmosphere around the men vs. woman debate that is still going strong.
I must admit, I am a strong advocate of partnership and have not been willing to take a strong stand for or against women being put upon. I have been fortunate in my career to be able to speak up and be heard. I also chose a career that began in psychology that is more welcoming to women that most.
I am old enough to have taken a strong stand during the hey-days of the feminist movement. Not to the point of bra burning, although pretty close. I went to consciousness raising meetings and began to question child rearing practices while my two daughters were just out of diapers. I questioned everything and must have given Betty Friedan’sbook to dozens of friends as gifts.
I am now a grandmother and watching my daughter struggle with issues around day care, help on the week-ends, sharing the load with her husband I sometimes wonder is we have made real progress.
I am a pattern watcher and what I see is that we have not really moved from polarization of my point of view vs. his point of view. I still hear the “men are from mars” explanations of why “they just don’t get it”.
I would like to hear from women and men who have found new ways to partner together without the recriminations, the disappointments, and the sense of betrayal that is still going on.
I think women’s happiness is linked with men’s happiness and it is really getting old to keep looking at right and wrong rather than the area in-between where there can be harmony. I don’t think it is too much to ask for new dialogues that can get us out of the woods.
What does it mean for the world that President Obamais receiving theNobel Peace prize? Maybe, just maybe it means we are in a turn the corner place for deeper thinking. Maybe, just maybe, we can find ways to care about each other rather than continue to set up polarizing, frozen perspectives.
My curiosity is peeked. How will theRush Limbaughtypes of the world respond to this news? I expect with their same old rhetoric, their same old blaming, judging, and attacking. It is the pattern of communicationthat has garnered them millions of dollars, fame, and a place to talk and talk and talk.
What I do not see in these loud and negative folks is a thought, ever, about conciliation, giving the other side credit, new thinking about how to solve old problems. I listen to them to stay in touch with all perspectives. Often, when I turn off the radio or television I have a sour taste in my mouth, a knot in my stomach. It’s not so much what they say; it’s the anger that is at the core of their commentary.
In studying the lives of people who are making big sounds in today’s market place, be they politicians, in the media, in education, or in business I am struck by how so many who are angry, who lash out to hurt, who need to find losers so they can be winners, are those who have had childhoods where the pain still seems evident today.
While Obama did not grow up with a silver spoon, he did the hard work of researching his past and making peace with it the best he could. In my work with leaders I am convinced that those who are able to include others, to show compassion, to create connections rather than dissention, are those who, regardless of where or how they grew up have done the hard work of reclaiming the positive patterns from their past and transforming the negative pattern to their healthy opposites.
Observing, understanding, and transforming patternsis the work of 21st century leaders and maybe we can make this a priority for all of us. Then, we can really begin the task of weaving together our human family and begin to bring everyone together in new creative, proactive and collaborative ways.
In our leadership programwe teach, first and foremost,” We’re all in it together and no one wins unless we all do”! Congratulations toPresident Obama, great work in difficult times!!!
As I explore the essence of leadership I hear a similar thought from many of my colleagues that goes like this “Too much retread, too much superficial same old same old”.
So when new ideas that make us really think come along I want to share them with the world. Thus, the video of David Logan, on the faculty of USC, who gives us pause to think about how leaders can help get each of us to a new and more effective place in our own leadership development. Enjoy!
There is a new movie out called The Invention of Lying. Great premise: what if no one knew how to lie and only told the truth, the whole truth, no matter what? It would certainly be a different world. Here is an example from the film. People go out to dinner and one woman to the other “I am very threatened by you” is truth sentence rather than a simple “Hi there”.
I was thinking about this when I saw an article written byRachel Zupekfor CareerBuilder.com titled Should You Ever Lie at Work? Good article with ways to tell the truth in common situations we all face.
We all know it is easier to be honest because there is less to remember. Yet, we all want to look good and be in control of our lives. It is super important for us to present a competent and strong image at work. So how do we tell the truth without looking weak and incapable?
First, your real work is to dig down and find the corepatterns that make you feel the need to tell the little (or big) white lies. Usually, the pattern that is most prone to lie is the pleaser who wants to be appreciated all the time and is fearful of being seen as a nay- sayer. This is apattern learned in childhood where it was not safe to speak out, and rocking the boat got you sent to your room.
Once you can go back to your early memories of what it was like to speak out you can begin a new way of responding. I call this strength training. Take a 5 pound weight at a time. Begin by telling someone close to you how you really feel. Next; practice by writing down your feelings before tackling a situation that has been bothering.
In my book “Don’t Bring It to Work”there are examples of truth telling called “Sound Bites” that will give you some ideas of what truth sentences sound like.
And remember: telling the truth is not spilling your guts. Truth sentences are short, perhaps seven to twelve words, sort of like Twitter. Pleasers who transform thepatternof uber-pleasing into truth telling are on the right track for becoming super leaders.
