Posts Tagged ‘Conflict’
Monday, June 28th, 2010
Here is the scene: at an off-site I was facilitating last week someone on the team was angry with a colleague. How did we all know Ted was angry?
He smiled. He answered questions in a smooth, quiet voice. He looked engaged……almost.
Yet, whenever his colleague, Dan spoke, Ted would shift from side to side. He would stop smiling and look as if he was sucking on a lemon. His would squint, as if tracking an impending storm in the far away clouds.
Soon everyone in the room had taken on a similar look; twelve people sucking on invisible lemons and waiting for the storm to start.
I waited until the first break and took Ted aside. What was happening? He was “surprised”, actually, surprised and relieved that I had noticed. “Well” he hesitated for a long, long moment. “Well, Sylvia Dan is a liar.” He waited to see how that statement went down.
I responded with a “request sentence” I teach participants in our Total Leadership Connections program. “Tell me more” I stated and then shut up.
The essence of the issue between Ted and Dan could derail the entire group if it is left blowing in the wind. It can cause havoc because they are two strong and competent leaders who would intentionally or unintentionally cause the rest of the group to choose sides.
Have you ever been on a team where members are smiling, talking properly and yet the dissention is there; and everyone knows it? I bring this up because it is a vital part of team dynamics and all team building programs should require a section about workplace conflict resolution. Unless conflict is faced and resolved it become like a systemic disease that impacts everyone.
I’d like to have you send me your “war stories” and how they were (or were not) handled elegantly. The first three will receive a copy of my book “Don’t Bring It to Work” and will be the basis of a series of blogs I am doing to help diminish conflict in the workplace.
Tags: Anger, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Team Collaboration, Truthteller, Workplace Conflict, Workplace Relationship
Posted in Accountability, Advice, Boss-Employee Relationship, Business, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Decision Making, Ethics, Executive Teams, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Meetings, PatternAware, Patterns, Reflections, Relationships, Total Leaders, Transformation, Workplace Relationships | No Comments »
Monday, June 14th, 2010
There is a fascinating debate in most companies about transparency. How open should you be? It sounds so good, doesn’t it? And yet…..
How much openness is enough? Open to what, to whom? When do you close the valve of self disclosure? What are the ramifications of bringing up the curtain on your inner life?
The discussion, part of a Total Leadership Connections session, went late into the night. Here is how it started:
We had finished the powerful second session of the four part program, the time when everyone has the opportunity to answer the pivotal question “What formed you? What are the patterns that were handed from generation to generation that you have carried into your life, both at home and a work?
No one is required to reveal anything. It is an individual decision what to say or not say. Yet this is one of the few times that a program is set for business people to look at the patterns they learned in their original organization, the family and how those patterns were transferred to their present work organization. The level of “aha’s” is astounding.
Okay, so the formal presentations were over and it was time to unwind and chat. One thing, as they say, led to another, and one of the participants turned to a colleague and said “Remember when I mentioned that my brother has been an outcast in our family? Until you talked about your sister who was the black sheep and how you decided to find her and bring her back into the fold I never thought about doing anything to help. I have been embarrassed and really never talk about her. It’s private and painful.”
They continued until a plan was formed to call the same private detective and begin a search. The intention was set; the plan would wait till the morning. Neither man had ever realized that the pain of a discounted family member had landed right in their work settings. They talked about how each had become a denier; when there were deep conflicts at work, the principle way it was handled was to get rid of the “problem” and make sure that everyone stayed happy and job focused. No one ever talked about the emotional undertow of someone who was fired or downsized. It was business as usual, as if the person who left had never existed; just like in their families.
The next day they sat together and called the detective. A search would begin for the missing brother.
Life, as we know, is always more intriguing that fiction. At a lunch break when folks were checking computers and phones, the lost brother surfaced. No need for detectives. It was as if the intention to reconnect was enough. These kinds of synchronises happen when we are ready and willing for change to happen. They make differences for us in all aspects of our lives, at home and at work.
The key to leadership is not about being open or closed, as much as it is about the where, when and how. I suggest that it is all in the timing.
Leaders need a safe place to explore what pushes their buttons and what to do about it. They need to connect the dots of how home and work lives connect. They need to factor in the emotional with the rational.
The best advice I can give is to find a safe program to get under the obvious of leadership and peel the layers away. You never know who or what you can find and have a happy ending.
Tags: Co-workers, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Denier, Family, Family Conflict, family patterns, Leaders, Leadership Development Programs, Patterns, Responsibility, Siblings, Total Leadership Connections, Workplace Relationships
Posted in Advice, Avoider, Boss, Boss-Employee Relationship, Character, Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Employers, Ethics, Family Conflict, Fear, History, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, leadership development, Leadership Strategies, Meetings, motivation, PatternAware, Patterns, Reflections, Relationships, Total Leaders, Transformation, Trust, Workplace Relationships | No Comments »
Wednesday, June 9th, 2010
Where do you think you waste the most amount of time at work? Is it spending time gnawing on your hurt feelings about upsets with co-workers? Is it rewriting reports that have been done poorly by direct reports? Is it intervening in workplace conflict that is dragging your team down? Maybe it is in the time wasted in overly long, boring, or unnecessary meetings.
There is mental waste, emotional waste, and physical waste that can be eliminated at work that once cleaned out creates a more efficient, economical, and time saving culture.
Take meetings for example. They have been called the “black hole” of the workplace. Most people when asked, say they dread the length of time spent in meetings that are often seen as unnecessary and insignificant.
So many meetings are of the “just because” variety; just because it’s Monday, or just because we are senior leadership, or just because we are on the committee.
Take the time to evaluate routine, regularly scheduled meetings. The question to answer is “What is the key purpose?”
Once you decide the meeting has value follow the following rules and you will have waste management under control.
1. Meetings are living theater. Have a title and an outline of important issues.
2. Start and end on time. The curtain goes up, the play is the thing, and the curtain goes down. Run your meetings to stay within the structure of theater and you won’t go wrong.
3. Have a main theme: No more than two subplots or you will lose the audience.
4. Facilitator is the director. Keep the meeting lively and make sure all the “actors” know what is expected of them. Pre-rehearse with the main characters so they are prepared with reports and power points if necessary.
5. Present with panache. Pictures are truly worth a thousand words. The brain will remember one picture sprinkled with emotional words longer and better than a long dissertation with vast numbers of numbers.
6. Careful with handouts. Less is more in this overly stimulating world. Give a single page with key phrases rather than an entire presentation to follow.
7. Ask questions. Give participants space to think in new ways and have time for Q&A. The key to successful meetings is engagement and involvement.
Meetings that are structured like theater are remembered and successful. The first few you do may be like off, off Broadway. However, as you become more comfortable with plot, subplot and the emotional aspect of drawing people into the importance of what you are doing for your team and your company you will get more and more buy-in. Who knows, Broadway is always looking for great stories, maybe one of your meetings can become a major winner. So, start thinking, which star would you like to play you in the theater production?
Tags: Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Leadership, Leadership Develoment Programs, leadership programs, Leadership Strategies, Presentations, Time Management, Time Saving, Workplace, Workplace Conflict, Workplace Relationships
Posted in Accountability, Advice, Boss, Business, Character, Coaching, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Decision Making, Executive Teams, Human Resources, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, leadership development, Leadership Strategies, Management, Money, Patterns, Reflections, Relationships, Total Leaders, Transformation, Workplace Relationships | No Comments »
Friday, May 28th, 2010
One of our Total Leadership Connections groups did an inventive skit about what they had learned in the four session program. They took turns, one hand on “Don’t Bring It to Work”, other over their heart, swearing not to bring their most disconcerting behavior patterns to work.
One had to own the victim pattern; he was always the one who felt that no matter what happened, it was his fault. Another was a procrastinator, mostly late with his projects, and another was the martyr who felt she did everyone else’s work and was always exhausted.
The skit was filled with whimsy and great insights into what had been learned, about the benefits of self awareness, and accountability of behavior. This group of individuals has excellent careers ahead of them. They have done the hard work of peeling back the layers of ingrained behaviors that travel with us from childhood, and if not looked at and transformed, go with us to the grave.
In most companies there are no processes in place to look at the office politics that cause so much distress and strife, the workplace conflicts that boil and bubble from day to day, so much wasted time and lost productivity when there is a need to play “CYA” day in and day out.
What are the signs of distress that can be warnings that patterns are getting bigger and bigger and are in the way of productive work getting done? Here is what to look for:
1. Behavior repetition: coming in late day after day for example
2. Language repetition: telling same story of upset day after day
3. “Tattle-telling” about co-workers behavior
4. Offering “secrets” to you and only you
5. Continuous miscommunication; “I never said that”
Please remember, employees bring who they were until now into the workplace. They come to work with all the baggage of their previous work relationships and the issues from their original organization, the family.
The more we can become aware of our patterns the more we can tame and transform them. The more we stay the same, repeating what we learned as children for our own survival needs the more we create atmospheres of mistrust and lack of productivity.
Give your employees; give yourself the gift of growth. Learn the way OUT to observe your patterns and begin the change process. Understand where the patterns began and change is long lasting and deep. Transform the patterns and become a leader who inspires others to also take the risk of growth.
Tags: Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Don't Bring It to Work, Observe, OUT Technique, pattern aware, Patterns, Total Leadership Connections, Transform, Transformation, Understand, Victim, Workplace Conflict, Workplace Relationships
Posted in Accountability, Avoider, Business, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Family Conflict, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, leadership development, Leadership Strategies, PatternAware, Patterns, Total Leaders, Transformation, Workplace Relationships | No Comments »
Tuesday, May 18th, 2010
When I ask participants in my seminars how many of them are comfortable with conflict my hand is usually the only one in the air. When I ask how many are comfortable with change about 25 per cent of the hands go up in the room.
So, therefore, from this vast scientific experiment I deduce that workplace conflict is dreaded and workplace change is a little bit easier to accept.
I then took the challenge to peel away the layers of why conflict and change are so difficult for most of us. What seems to be at the core of the resistance is the fear of not having any control.
Think about it for a minute; as a kid you were told what was going to happen. You were told you were moving to a new house, or a new city, or a new school. Your family did not wait until they got your “buy in“, you were just packed along with the furniture and off you all went.
At work when change occurs there are 3 major issues to consider:
Change is emotional: you can offer the best rational reasons for change to take place yet, unless you help people grapple with the emotional underbelly of what is going on you miss the key points, the ones that need to be talked about but rarely are
Everyone needs to contribute: this is critical to the success of the change process. Otherwise it is too much like the kid being told and it breeds resentment and restrictions
Change takes time: projects need tending and require time and conversations. This is where everyone can become comfortable with the action plan and do their specific part, it creates the glue of cooperation when everyone works together and keeps the vision of the new alive.
The best way to handle the conflict that erupts when change is happening is to keep lots of visuals around the office. One slogan that works is “From Now to New” and let staff find the icons that speak to where the change is meant to take everyone.
I have found that pictures do take the place of 1000 words and one icon that kept a food and beverage company moving forward was of Santa on a surfboard, beard and belly flying. It signified that the team would get a great extra vacation period when the tough work, like Santa’s, would be over. This playful image was on walls and in emails and helped to bond the teams together.
Tags: Conflict, Conflict in the Workplace, Conflict Resolution, Control, Resistance, Workplace Change, Workplace Conflict, Workplace Relationships
Posted in Business, Collaboration, Communication, Community Relationships, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Executive Teams, Family Conflict, Fear, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, Patterns, Transformation, Workplace Relationships | No Comments »
Friday, May 7th, 2010
All workplace relationships include personal stories that are often buried under the stresses and strains of getting the job done. We then never get to know each other past a quick “hello” and “see you tomorrow”. When a situation occurs that is life changing it not only changes the individual or individuals involved, it can also change the entire organizational culture. Jay Steinfeld shows us the power that rests with individuals who are willing to become self aware, explore the connection between personal and professional life, and make changes that are deep and profound. The courage to change, a core of all leadership development, is written in his words and actions.
How Empowering My Staff Powers My Business
by Jay Steinfeld, as told to Jennifer Alsever
After running two Houston window blind stores for more than a decade, Jay Steinfeld and his wife and business partner moved most of the business to the Web in 1996, founding Blinds.com, now a $50 million business and the No. 1 seller of blinds online. Yet after his wife’s death in 2002, Steinfeld underwent a personal transformation that changed how he did business.
Blinds.com CEO Jay Steinfeld
Ten years ago, I wasn’t as nice of a guy as I am now. I seldom complimented anyone. I wanted everything done my particular way, and I reamed out people when they failed, even if they did 90 percent of the job right. Then my wife Naomi died in 2002. We were married for 26 years. She was my best friend and my partner in business. Naomi’s death devastated me, but it also woke me up. At that point, both my parents had died, I had three kids to raise and I had a business to run. I realized I could not do everything alone.
A new mindset, just in time
I got counseling and poured myself into books on business and psychology. My favorites: “Good to Great” by Jim Collins and “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Victor Frankel. I realized my 70 employees weren’t my servants. I worked for them. They needed to be encouraged to take risks and empowered to do their jobs.
I sought out smart, top-level people for chief operating officer, chief marketing officer and chief technology officer so I could rely on them to develop their own departments. By giving them more leeway, I had more time to think about the future of the company, and we were all free to be more creative and come up with more ideas. I wanted them to seek continual improvement and experiment without fear of failure. I owe my company’s survival to that shift.
Boosting sales through brainstorming
Our company’s sales hit $50 million this year and profit went up 17 percent. But for the past two years, the market for window blinds has been in a tailspin. Dismal new home sales means dismal blinds sales. Two large regional blinds manufacturers recently filed for bankruptcy, numerous retailers closed their doors, and the industry’s sales are again down 25 percent this year. To grow, let alone survive, we knew we had to do something. But I didn’t take it on alone like I might have a decade ago. It had to be all of us innovating and trying new ideas.
Some of the risks we took were complete flops. One crazy idea that failed miserably was advertising on dry cleaning hangers. We tested three different messages, and each was worse than the other. We tried revamping the category pages on our website, spent a lot of time asking customers what they wanted, did internal focus groups, and went live showing the new page to half of our visitors, and the existing page to the other half. We saw zero change in sales.
Solving customer problems pays off
One of easiest ways to rev up innovation was simply thinking about our customer’s problems. What might prevent someone from buying blinds online? We figured out that customers get overwhelmed by the thought of measuring and installing blinds themselves, so we made about 65 two-minute videos that explicitly show how to measure and install blinds. My daughter, Esther, our PR manager, regularly searches Twitter for tweets about installing blinds. She responds with links to our videos. So far, the web pages on our site with videos bring in about 15 percent more revenue than the ones that do not.
We also spent $150,000 and six months building a widget that helps buyers who don’t know what they want. They answer questions such as if they have kids or pets and what’s more important to them, price or blocking out light. That tool gave us another 15 percent lift to our sales.
Finding partners for profit
Letting my chief marketing officer, Daniel Cotlar, and his team run with ideas has been huge. By doing cross promotions with Flowers.com, Cooking.com and OmahaSteaks.com, they helped boost our gross margins per customer visit by 25 percent over the past two years. Someone who buys a certain amount of blinds get discounts from other companies, and vice versa. This turned out to be a really low-cost way of marketing.
My senior leadership team also drove the boat on an idea to partner with big-box retailers — an idea that for years was pretty scary. We worried that if we partnered with big-box stores, offering them technology so their online customers could buy blinds, we would create big new competitors. But whether we helped big-box stores or not, they would eventually get into the blinds business, and the bad economy was a good time to do it. We wound up striking deals with Office Depot, Linens & Things, Window World, Rugs Direct, and Overstock.com. We do all the selling, fulfillment, customer service, technology — everything. It’s been a pretty good deal for us: It’s looking like it might increase sales by 10 percent this year.
Testing, testing, testing
I could not have done this alone. Free-flowing ideas are key. Risk taking is key. It’s all about testing and retesting ideas in small ways and then continually improving them. We set 90-day goals and check in with each other every 30 days. Today, we get more done in 90 days than we did in all of last year. It’s a complete culture shift – one of clear and focused execution. I know it because when I come to work every day, our employees are energized. And we still have jobs. In fact, we’re hiring.
Sylvia’s Response:
Thanks Jay for sharing so openly. Your desire to search for meaning is powerful. The fact that it changed the way you do business is a great example of my hypothesis that we can change the world of work as we become more self aware.
In “Don’t Bring It to Work” there is a list of the 13 most common difficult behavior patterns in the workplace as well their complimentary positive opposites.
As I read about you I saw how the “persecutor” aka bully boss can morph into a visionary. Instead of pointing a finger at people that same finger can be pointed upward toward a vision of better ways to work together. That is exactly what you did. Also the super achiever in you turned into a creative collaborator. And the fruits of your personal search are being felt throughout your company.
I would classify you as an “elegant leader” and just want to acknowledge how out of the ashes of your personal tragedy there is a whole company that has benefitted.
Well done!
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Book, Coaching, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Education, Family-Based Patterns, leadership development, leadership programs
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010
Where do you spend most of your day? What do you think about much of the time? Why do you do it? Whenever I ask people about their experiences at work I still hear the “It pays the mortgage, it pays for my kid’s college tuition, it pays for my car, vacation, clothes.”
Work is more, so, so much more. Think about it, how you engage at work is how you live your life. It is where you go for some of the best life lessons. All you have to do is pay attention.
Here is an example that was just told to me by a family member. It made me realize that we are always tested and what happens when the mortgage, tuition, material objects, vacations, take a back seat to values and purpose.
David was asked to “fudge” the records so a client would not receive a rebate due him. It was a substantial amount of money. It was not put as crudely as “fudge” the records. It was done in a suave sophisticated manner. Yet, the bottom line was “we keep the money and he does not get it.”
After a sleepless night this young man went to his boss and in a clear, straight forward manner told him he could not participate and asked his boss to reconsider what he had proposed.
Was he nervous? “Internal sweating “was what I was told later. He and his wife had just purchased a new home and boy, was the mortgage ever front and present in his mind.
Yet, he was willing to risk it all by doing what he believed was the right thing. Work, he stated to me, really does show what you are made of, it really does show what you value and what really makes a difference. This was leadership development at its core.
He also told me that he had thought hard and deep about his pattern of being a pleaser, he had been one who would say “yes” at all costs to be liked, to be accepted, and to be the favorite.
He also told me that exploring the positive aspect of the pleaser pattern, the truth teller, had given him the courage to speak up. In “Don’t Bring It to Work” there is a bolded sentence: “Telling the truth is not spilling your guts“. That is the sentence that he took with him into his boss’s office.
Outcome: The boss apologized. He realized what he had suggested smacked of bad judgment. He was in a hurry and had not thought through implications of what he had said.
David had broken the spell of the pleaser and took a stand for what is ethical and right. This story has a happy ending. Many don’t. However, if you keep in mind that your actions and reactions at work are a measure of who you are as an individual you can walk with a proud step and even better, sleep guilt free at night.
Transforming ingrained behavior patterns is key to learning, growing and enjoying your vocation. Work is so much more than merely a job!
And please check out the Wall Street Journal article that talks about “Don’t Bring It to Work” and behavior patterns at play in our present organizations.
Tags: Communication, Conflict, Don't Bring It to Work, Family, Integrity, Leader, Leadership, leadership development, Patterns, Wall Street Journal, Work, Workplace Relationships
Posted in Boss, Business, Character, Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Executive Teams, Family Business, Family Conflict, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, leadership development, Leadership Strategies, Patterns, Total Leaders, Trust, Workplace Relationships | No Comments »
Wednesday, April 21st, 2010
I found this very good blog about the Toyota fiasco. Please read and note my comments; I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Article by Steve Tobak, The Corner Office
Survival of the fittest requires conflict; that’s as true in the boardroom as it is in the wild. In that sense, conflict isn’t just a good thing, it’s a key ingredient in all great organizations. It’s the manner in which businesses test new ideas and up-coming leadership talent.
But there comes a point when otherwise healthy conflict turns toxic, even destructive. I’ve seen it happen too many times, and when it does, it can plunge a successful company into a tailspin from which it might never recover. Case in point: the leadership crisis festering inside Toyota.
Yesterday’s Wall Street Journal chronicled the long-standing feud between the founding Toyoda family and Toyota’s non-family leadership faction. For generations, the pendulum of Toyota’s corporate leadership has swung from one to the other. And that’s worked pretty well … until now.
Now, the warring factions have taken their long-standing feud to previously unseen heights of public, personal attacks on each other. The family faction is led by Akio Toyoda, current CEO and 53-year old grandson of the company founder. From the WSJ:
Mr. Toyoda and his allies have been saying openly that when he took the top job last year after a 15-year hiatus for the Toyoda clan, he inherited a company weakened by non-family predecessors who sacrificed quality for faster growth and fatter margins.
The problems arose when “some people just got too big-headed and focused too excessively on profit,” Mr. Toyoda said at a Beijing news conference in March. Mr. Toyoda’s opponents – former company presidents Katsuaki Watanabe and Hiroshi Okuda – have an entirely different view (also from the WSJ):
They say Toyota’s current troubles are less a quality crisis and more a management and public-relations crisis of Mr. Toyoda’s making, reflecting their longstanding warnings that he wasn’t ready to run a global corporation.
“Is Akio ducking criticism of being a beneficiary of nepotism by accusing us and trying to justify his ascendancy to the top job?” one of Mr. Watanabe’s top aides said. Hiroshi Okuda … has told at least two associates since the recalls of cars involved in sudden acceleration incidents earlier this year: “Akio needs to go.”
Asked [in 2000] about future prospects for Mr. Toyoda, then a 43-year-old general manager, Mr. Okuda said: “Nepotism just doesn’t belong in our future.” He elaborated: “Akio-class talents are rolling around all over Toyota, like so many potatoes.”
In my opinion, both parties are actually at fault for the company’s current crisis. As I said a couple of months ago in At the Heart of What’s Ailing Toyota:
Like so many big companies before, in its relentless drive to become the world’s largest auto maker, Toyota’s management took its eye off the ball. In other words, growth became its priority, while the unique aspects of its culture and operational competencies responsible for its success to this point, became secondary.
After many years of stellar leadership, last year Akio Toyoda, the grandson of the company’s founder, became CEO. And while Toyota’s issues have gestated for some time before Toyoda took the reins, his spectacular mishandling of the crisis demonstrates that he wasn’t ready for the job.
Nevertheless, instead of working together to resolve critical issues facing the company, Toyota’s leadership has devolved to juvenile finger-pointing. And, if this once-great company’s leadership doesn’t get its act together, well, as I said before, “not only will its recovery be long and painful, but it may not recover at all. It happens.”
My response below:
The Toyota mess is so familiar to anyone who has spent time working with family businesses. I grew up in one and remember the tension between my father and his two brothers and then the tugging, pulling, and positioning when outsiders joined the ranks.I became a family therapist and then morphed into an executive coach with a passion for working with family firms.
I know that finger pointing is common in all companies and is compounded when the family name is being tarnished. Here is what I do know: when stress hits the hot button there is a natural tendency to revert to patterns of behavior learned in the original organization, the family, that were there for survival and security.
There is a need to create safety by blaming and judging others as a protection mechanism. I only hope that the Toyoda clan can gain some understanding of the how and the why they did not intervene to keep the brand and their name in a positive light.
Tags: Blaming, Coaching, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Family Business, Family Conflict, family patterns, Leadership, leadership development, Patterns
Posted in Accountability, Business, Character, Coaching, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Decision Making, Economy, Ethics, Executive Teams, Family Business, Family Conflict, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, leadership development, Management, Media, Money, Patterns, Stress, Trust, Workplace Relationships | No Comments »
Wednesday, March 31st, 2010
“There are so many definitions of leadership and whether we should be strong, tough, compassionate or hard-assed. I believe we are often looking in all the wrong places. The one area that needs to be highlighted and understood at a deeper level is how and when to tell the truth. The following article by Margaret Heffernan on BNET has led to many interesting responses and I enjoyed adding my thoughts to the discussion. I’d love to get your comments about what has happened to you when you have taken the “risk” of telling the truth. Please let me know if printing your response is acceptable.
Article: The True Test of a Tough Leader, by Margaret Heffernan
When I ran my first business, I was tough. Even my most enthusiastic employees, when giving 360º feedback, said I was tough — but in a good way. I was proud of my reputation. It was a better, I thought, if men didn’t think I was a pushover.
One of my jobs was negotiating big contracts with labor unions. Two months into my job, one of these came up for renewal, so the union boss invited me out to lunch, obviously wanting to size me up. We met in a Chinese restaurant; he ordered the food.
As we talked, the most disgusting array of foods began to arrive: ducks’ tongues, chicken’s feet, gizzards and various body parts. It was clearly a test: was I tough enough to eat it? “If you wanted to intimidate me,” I thought to myself, “Boy, did you pick the wrong girl.” I thought, gratefully, of a stern upbringing in which clearing my plate was mandatory.
I ate every mouthful. I was so tough.
For many years I told that story with relish. Then, when I was running my first software company, we kept running into problems. We never shipped anything on time, the software was too buggy, nobody would give me a straight answer. The only thing we seemed good at developing was rage and frustration.
Driving to pick my daughter up from school one night, I thought again about the Chinese meal and imagined telling it to her. Suddenly, it didn’t seem like such a great story. Was that how I wanted her to remember her mother: the toughest woman in town? I realized with a shock how stupid I’d been. Why did I eat all that disgusting food? I should just have signaled to the waiter and ordered something I liked. Instead of playing someone else’s game, I should have played my own.
That night I realized why the company wasn’t thriving. I was trying to impress everyone — my investors, my customers — with how aggressive I could be. But I wasn’t playing my game; I was playing theirs. What we needed wasn’t toughness; it was intelligence. What I needed to inspire in other people wasn’t fear; it was confidence that I wouldn’t commit to impossible targets.
I needed to stop being a manager and start being a leader.
Today I wonder what would have happened if my daughter hadn’t provoked that epiphany. Would I ever have figured out how to lead my business? Now I call this the Dinner Time Test. When you’re about to do something important at work, picture yourself describing it over a family dinner. Does it make you feel good? Are you sure you’re playing your game and not somebody else’s? If it’s the latter, you may be a manager, but you’re not really a leader.
My response:
This article has given folks food for thought. My contribution concerns the place and value of telling the truth at work. I wonder what the conversation with the union boss would have been like if, rather than either eating food that was not to your liking or calling the waiter over, you told the gentleman his choices of food were not to your liking and asked why he had decided to order what he did. This may have opened an avenue of dialogue about what you needed from each other with the food as a catalyst. Both of you may have come to new understandings rather than you just toughing it out. There are always different sides to every discussion and truth at work is an art form we have yet to master. One thing we teach in our Total Leadership Connections Programis that telling the truth is not spilling your guts and requires real and open statements and always included the other side being heard. Say what you need to say then add: “And now I’d like to hear from you!!!!!”
Tags: Buisness, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Leadership, Truth, Truth Telling, Workplace Relationships
Posted in Business, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Leaders, Leadership, Workplace Relationships | No Comments »
Monday, March 8th, 2010
Edmund Pettus Bridge
Yesterday was a day of glitter and glitz at the
Oscars. It is often interesting to see what else has happened on the same day through history. The big one that stands out is “Bloody Sunday” on March 7, 1965.
The connection with the Oscars is to see so many people of color walking grandly to the stage for awards and think about those people of color who, 45 years ago also walked. What a different walk that was, across Selma, Alabama’s “Edmund Pettus Bridge”, where they were met with tear gas and police clubs during a voting rights march.
It was a courageous time when so many still in their teens banded with leaders who were willing to put not just their names on the line; their lives were also up for grabs. Here is where 600 plus individuals came together to say “It will stop with me”.
This was an active solution to lives lived in fear. It was where those who had been victimized for generations threw off the victim mantle and began to explore options, to take charge of their lives in a new way.
The color lines are more blurred at the Oscar ceremonies than ever before. There is a camaraderie based on creativity and a search for excellence. The film “Precious” however, shows that the poverty and sadness of past generations of poverty and struggle still has a long way to go. Yet, and yet, there is the beauty of the human spirit that shines through and gives hope that we are, albeit slowly, moving in the right direction.
However, some stay so, so stuck; when it was announced that Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education is to meet with students at the Robert E. Lee High School in Montgomery, Alabama on Tuesday, to commemorate the anniversary of Bloody Sunday, there was controversy. The school had opposed the march those long years ago and therefore this opposition should still be respected, so goes the rhetoric.
When do we let go of the past and move to higher ground? When do we clear the past to free the present? In some places it simply and sadly takes longer.
Tags: Behavioral Patterns, Conflict, Diversity, Education, Ethics, Leadership, leadership programs, pattern aware
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