Posts Tagged ‘Conflict’

Leadership Challenges for the New Year

Wednesday, December 28th, 2011

What can we do to help each other face the challenges of an economic climate that changes with the weather?

There are no safe havens. Sears has been around forever and is closing stores. Old brands are dying, yet new ones will always come along to replace them.

 

What do we want from our leaders to help us with the tides of change?

The following article gives food for thought. So does my response. Enjoy.

What does leadership look like?

Glenn Llopis

Bringing the immigrant perspective to business leaders

Leadership by Indirection

Thursday, July 14th, 2011

Sometimes we can learn by sorting through the lives we see in film. Today, with all the sadness around bullying in schools (and summer camp) it may be a great time to pull out the film “Grease” and watch it with the kids to start a conversation about how to be with each other differently than in a bullying/victim way. I’d love to hear about other films you think may be helpful for families to watch together.

Why a Parent’s Empathy Is Vital for a Bullied Girl — and Why It Often Goes Out the Window” by Rachel Simmons contributor – Huffington Post

When I did the original research for Odd Girl Out, I asked every bullied girl I interviewed to tell me what she needed most from her family. The answer truly surprised me. It wasn’t having the best solutions, calling the school or trying to act like everything was okay.

It was empathy.

Before you say, yeah, yeah, I figured that, hear me out. Now that I’ve been working with parents for a decade, I have seen up close how easy it is for empathy to go out the window. There are two reasons why parents struggle: First, when the alarm bells go off, we want to put out the fire. We assume — understandably — that we can make a child feel better by making her problem go away. Parents are habituated to this from the moment of a child’s birth: feed when they’re hungry, sleep when they’re tired, hold when they cry. We bypass empathy and go straight to the problem solving.

Click here to read the full Huffington Post article.

My Comment:

Bullying or being bullied is a complex relationsh­ip issue that includes both empathy, as the writer suggests, as well as some self delving on the part of the parents, school, or community.

In my book “Don’t Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns that Limit Success” I suggest that behavior patterns (persecuto­r/bully, victim, rescuer, pleaser, martyr, avoider, etc.) come from the triad of family, culture, and crises.

Rather than point fingers at the “bad” one and protect the “victim” we need to create an avenue where there is dialogue that can happen at home that will lead to empowering those who are in this difficult play. A major part is for parents to look back at how they handled the tugs and pull of growing up and if they were the persecutor­/victim/re­scuer. Often just talking about this will help the youngster find new language and motivation to do things differentl­y. Isn’t that what we are all looking for? Better ways to communicat­e and be part of a caring culture?

Our kids can stand on our shoulders if we help them look through the larger lens of a broader system. I suggest that watching “Grease” together and talking about it could be a great way to open the dialogue. Sandy and Rizzo both had to learn to handle the slings and arrows of life in a better way. This helps start the discussion by indirectio­n and has helped many families.

Sylvia Lafair president Creative Energy Options (CEO Inc.)

Leadership Development: What Do We Really Want to Develop?

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011

What do we learn from competition? Is this where we get our self-esteem? What do we do when we lose? How do we handle setbacks? What does it mean when the mantra is “winning is everything”? Now in the legal system, Lance Armstrong does not say he took anything to make him able to go faster, to be stronger. All he said is “I did not test positive”. Is that like Bill Clinton’s famous refrain “I did not have sexual relations with that woman?”.

We need to start asking the hard questions before there will not be anyone left who is living life for the joy of it, win or lose, just for the delight of growing and learning. Let me know what you think.

The Armstrong Enigma by James Moore, contributor to the Huffington Post.

“If you live in Austin, you can almost breathe the Lance Armstrong legend in the air. Everybody intimately knows the tale and its grand parameters. Who has such athletic accomplishments; especially after cancer? His greatness and, indeed, humility were made even more manifest when he established a foundation to help in the global quest to end cancer. We have in our midst, many Texans believe, an individual who is exceptional in character and achievement.

The Armstrong profiled by interviews and narrative in the 60 Minutes report on CBS is difficult, if not impossible, for many people in Austin to process. The arc of Lance’s story has been always upward from the time he was pronounced cancer free. He got healthier, faster, fitter, wealthier, and more magnanimous with time. Every chapter of this American tale was written with bold strokes through nothing more than focus and determination.

There are now, however, several of Armstrong’s teammates during the period of his ride to glory, who are sketching out an anti-hero. The young man they describe thinks of regulations and rules as opponents to be defeated. Each of Armstrong’s teammates, meanwhile, is being attacked for a lack of credibility, and, in fact, their own confessions about doping turn them into liars. Tyler Hamilton, Floyd Landis, Stephen Swart, Frankie Andreu, and, if CBS is correct, George Hincapie, were all part of a deception to use performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs) to win. The points of attack are pretty easily established for Armstrong’s legal and public relations team.

But is Lance the only person telling the truth? Are most of his teammates jealous and petty and pathological liars? They seem to have created an alternative reality with their words.

Armstrong is dismissing Hamilton, as he has other accusers, for lacking credibility. The level of detail described by Lance’s former teammate, however, is difficult to ignore even for casual observers of this controversy. Hamilton, who appeared drawn and a bit emotionally tortured during the taping, told of flying in a private jet to Spain with Lance where they were both transfused with their own red blood cells, a process called blood doping, which improves endurance. He also claimed Armstrong shipped him drugs, that they both put drops of testosterone oil into each other’s mouths after a race, and that he was in the room during conversations with a controversial doctor who was teaching them how and when to use PEDs. Lunch bags of goodies, according to Hamilton, were given to riders that had earned their way into the inner circle. He also said he saw Armstrong use EPO and indicated there was a program driven by Armstrong and the team coach Johan Bruyneel. A similar description was provided by Swart to Sports Illustrated. Regardless, Tyler Hamilton either has a very active imagination or he has opened the door to ignominy for an American icon.”

To read the full article, Click Here.

Leadership Development: The Secret Sauce of Office Gossip

Tuesday, May 17th, 2011

Where there’s smoke there’s fire is the meta- message of gossip. It’s really good for you. That is, it’s really good for you if you learn how to decode it and use it to your advantage.

There is so much “good advice” out there that says stuff like “Find out who is starting the gossip and tell them how you feel”. Okay, that’s great but does it really make change happen?

NO!

Hey listen; here is the special stuff that makes gossip so good for you. It is a feedback system that is there to grown and learn from. “But, but” you say, “it is mean and rude and hurtful”. Maybe so, and to that I say so what.

Sometimes you can get to the source of the gossip and sometimes you can’t. Digging in that rabbit hole can be a waste of time. Here is what I suggest: listen to the essence of what is being said about you. Think of it this way: if you were making a film about office gossip and you were the star and the rumors and innuendos were all pointing to you, what would you name the play. No, don’t whine and be a victim, unless that is what they are saying about you; then you can name the play “Always My Fault”!

Here are some titles that could be really good “The Show Off” (about the super achiever…does the shoe fit?), maybe another would be “The Avenger” (hey are you a rebel at work?) maybe “Outta Here” (that is if you are an avoider).

The key here is to have some fun with this. Gossip has been around ever since there were tribes long ago and a runner from one tribe went to the next, was called into meet with the Chief who would say “So, what’s the juicy word out there”.

Use gossip to your advantage; learn from it and it will be a stepping stone to success at work. Once you tame it, become its friend; you can never be derailed from a positive and firm leadership role in your work life. Stay strong, stay focused, stay curious; life’s an adventure and gossip is a tasty morsel at a roadside restaurant.

Can We Coach Stress Away?

Tuesday, April 12th, 2011

Here is an excellent article that shows how “over the top stress” is in today’s workplace and how it can be tamed to create a better work force. At CEO we have experienced coaches who can help your employees learn to “practice safe stress”.  For more information visit Creative Energy Options or email MaryJane@ceoptions.com

How an organization handles conflict is the foundation for co-operation, creative input and having a collegial attitude especially during a rough patch that will show up from time to time.

 

 

 

 

Coaching can help reduce workplace confrontation

Conflict hinders recruitment, productivity; ‘If you have a good coach and a committed employee, you can work on anything’

 

By DEREK SANKEY, Postmedia News; Calgary Herald April 9, 2011

 

How an organization handles conflict in the workplace can have huge consequences, including on the ability to attract and retain top talent at a time when long-term labor shortages are being forecasted as baby boomers retire, say coaches and conflict mediators.

The Conference Board of Canada predicts a shortage of nearly one million workers by 2020. “How your organization handles conflict could be a major factor in your quest to seek out and retain quality new hires,” says Marjorie Munro, co-director of the Alberta branch of the Workplace Fairness Institute.

The American Institute of Stress cites reports that occupational pressures are “far and away the leading source of stress for American adults and that these have steadily increased over the past few decades.”

Blaine Donais of the Workplace Fairness Institute has developed a “fairness cost analysis tool” that can be used to put a price tag on conflict. It’s one way to put a price on low employee engagement and start building a foundation to better manage conflict through a variety of mechanisms, including coaching.

Sue Lyons, senior consultant and coach with Work Life Insight in Calgary, says coaching can help effectively manage and resolve workplace conflict.

“The transfer of learning is so high, and it hits the target every time,” says Lyons. “If you have a good coach and a committed employee, you can work on anything.”

Since conflict usually arises out of a difference of values, coaching can help opposing sides to remove heated emotion and examine the real issues at play in any given conflict. “Coaching helps employees deal with the conflict on the front line,” she says. “There’s no judgment and no politics in coaching.”

Facing the prospect of long-term labor shortages, experts advise companies to be aware of both the direct and indirect costs associated with conflict in the workplace and develop a comprehensive plan to improve the processes for managing it.

Direct costs include litigation, sick and stress leaves, sabotage, theft, hiring as employees leave and restructuring. Indirect costs include manager and human resources time, employee time, productivity costs and reputation costs.

“Costs are evident when managers spend increasing time resolving conflict with their employees; an employee shows a measurable drop in productivity, there is an increasing number of sick days or the water fountain gossip time becomes longer and longer,” says Munro.

A good conflict resolution system can include conflict coaching, training, peer mediation and even a conflict ombudsperson for the office. Donais’s fairness ranking can help companies identify where they need to improve and helps managers to see how deficiencies translate into recruitment challenges. “Your fairness ranking becomes a topic for discussion in the most compelling job interviews, and you are able to attract and retain employees because you know, and you can prove, that you treat them fairly,” says Munro.

While coaching is only one part of a good conflict management program, Lyons believes it will increasingly become ingrained into the corporate landscape.

“I see coaching shifting into an attraction and retention strategy that’s as big as health benefits.”

 

For more information on Executive Coaching visit Creative Energy Options or email maryjane@ceoptions.com

Management Styles: Do You Prefer Fight, Flight or Freeze

Monday, October 25th, 2010
Business Leadership

Flight

It’s Saturday and I am getting work done for next week since I will be presenting a workshop at HBA (Healthcare Businesswomen’s Association)  on Thursday and Friday. I’ll be discussing one of my favorite topics, how to transform conflict.

Most management and leadership theories don’t really get to the heart of the matter. They don’t go back far enough to find those thorny seeds that grow and grow as we grow. Years of research and helping change corporate cultures from bristly to better has made me confident that unless we travel back in time we are prone to repeat behaviors over and over and over.

I believe the best business strategies begin with a solid platform of self-aware leaders who have done their personal work. Management skills that offer ways to connect the dots from what we learned in our original organization, the family to how we respond in our present organization, give us the ammunition to move from angry to accountable in warp speed.

I’d like to illustrate with the story of a man I was asked to coach recently.

Ralph, a VP of sales was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was in the office locker room changing into his running shorts and sneakers, when there was a loud bang and a huge red hot flame was coming toward him. He made himself into a ball and knew he was going to die. What seemed like an eternity passed and when he stood up there was destruction everywhere.

He shook himself, relieved that there were no broken bones as he walked through what had previously been a wall onto a parking lot. Lots of commotion; police and firemen were standing helpless. The gas leak had come and gone in the blink of an eye.

Initially Ralph was frozen. He was in post-traumatic shock. And he was angry. Angry because there was concern that he may have caused the explosion. A non-smoker he was questioned over and over, even asked to take a polygraph test, which he passed with flying colors.


The few burns on his face were healing. The damage was mostly emotional. Ralph refused to talk with his boss who had requested the polygraph test. He said he did not think he would ever return to this company, not because of the accident, but because they didn’t believe him.

When I suggested that at the right time we could have a meeting with his boss he just stared at me. “Look Sylvia, they only care about the money, about what happened. I’m just a secondary idea, especially since I did not have major physical difficulties. I’m expendable.”

At some point I asked how tough situations were handled when he was growing up. He shrugged and said, “Same as now, someone would be blamed and then it would be ignored. No one ever really talked about anything. I left home for college and never looked back.”

It has taken time for Ralph to even consider talking with his boss. Yet, he is learning that fight, flight, and freeze never move conflict forward. A meeting has been set up for the two men to talk. I’m hopeful. I keep telling both men to remember a phrase from a Rumi poemSomewhere between right and wrong there is a field, I’ll meet you there.”

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Team Conflict and Team Collaboration

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

Jerk at team meeting

Here’s the situation. It was just told to me this morning, you have a team project due in one week. One of the team members is always making jokes at the expense of two other colleagues. Everyone feels the stress, not the humor.

The jokes are really dumb, and some are dicey, just on the edge of poor judgment. No one laughs, problem is no one stops the “jerk from joking” (those were the words that were said to me). One of the newest members of the team walked away saying he would not continue with this poor quality of cooperation.

What do you do to help handle the conflict?

Let me know. I am ready to give a half hour free coaching call as well as a copy of my book “Don’t Bring It to Work“. By the way, did I let you know the book has won a best business book of 2010 from Nautilus Awards that was judged by publishers, professors, and writers.

The three best answers will also be put on this blog next week. So, think it through. I will also give you my ideas (you go first!).

Thanks for reading my blog, it means a lot to me.

Leadership: Diving for Pearls

Friday, July 16th, 2010
 
 
 

Avil Beckford

Avil Beckford is a woman who does not like to skim the surface. Her life and her mission are to go beyond the obvious, beyond the superficial, go into the hidden world and bring back the pearls.

Guess what the name of her successful blog is: The Invisible Mentor. It is well worth reading, there is a wealth to learn. The concept is great. In my interview with Avil, she stated “Some of my best mentors have been books I have read.” And she wants to give all of us access to these mentors that can live deeply inside our psyches even though they come in the form of words on paper or on a computer.

She is clear. “My work is not fluff. I want to reach people who are interested in learning, people who want to deepen.” I would say she wants people, well, people like us!

She has also written a book, “Tales of People Who Get It” (2007)

The book helps to shine a light on the inner workings of individuals who learned to deal with the challenges of growing and becoming, of learning how to master conflict, and how to develop and build teams.

Avil thought of this idea and was amazed that in her research she read about Napoleon Hill, that invisible mentor who has helped thousands learn what he felt was the secret of success. Hill had his “invisible counselors” and would have “imaginary council meetings” where he would get advice from those he called together. Not a bad idea.

Think about who you respect and would love to discuss your work issues with. What if you sat quietly and called them into your own private council and asked the questions that are haunting you. Then just sit and listen. Keep a pen and paper close. You may be surprised at what you learn. And then you can thank Avil for keeping that wonderful method alive.

Go to her site, sign up, you will be delighted. And buy her book, you will have a treasure trove of new “invisible mentors” to help you in your career journey. Happy travels!

I Will Survive

Thursday, July 15th, 2010

Article on Huffington Post: 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/13/auschwitz-i-will-survive_n_645067.html

Jane Korman and her father, Holocaust survivor Adolek Kohn, spoke with BBC Tuesdayto defend the video they made last summer, which shows the two accompanied by Kohn’s three grandchildren dancing to Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” in front of Auschwitz and other Holocaust sites.

“Despite the systematic brutality and cruelty endured, we have still survived,” she said about the video’s intentions. Korman told the BBC that it was about creating something that young people could connect with:

“It was really important for me to create some sort of work that had a fresh interpretation of the Holocaust. Especially for the younger generation, because I could see that even the word ‘Holocaust’ and the images that one sees of the Holocaust were numbing and in fact, they weren’t even interested.”

 

Since it was put on YouTube in January, the video has received over 330,000 hits and over 2,000 comments from viewers, who have called it everything from ‘heart-warming’ to ‘despicable.’

YouTube user colonelcandoo said “I am sure the millions of peopled who died here would be ecstatic? that you and your family are alive and dancing here. Keep on dancing…”

Other viewers found a different message in Korman’s art, however, which she said is “a tribute to the tenacity of the human spirit and a celebration of life.”

“This video is touching. Thank you!” Said user zeonchar.

Kohn, who dances throughout the video with the word ‘Survivor’ on his shirt, said that he did not mind dancing.

“If somebody had asked me then that I would come 62 years later with my grandchildren to Auschwitz, I would send him to a madhouse,” he said.

My Responses to this Video: 

The video has stopped me from doing other work today. I am fascinated with comments from all over the globe. My book “Don’t Bring It to Work” talks about how patterns of behavior are passed from generation to generation and how they repeat and repeat until someone says “it will stop with me”. Three generations are making their own statement about freedom of speech, of expression, to dance and sing and release the past, it is fabulous. They are creating, not harming! Each of us can give to children, grandchildren great grandchildren the joy of transformation, that is a gift worth giving and giving!

What can we hand to next generations? Adolek Kohn hands his grandchildren a magnificent gift; the ability to go back to places of pain and horror, to see that the past can be cleared, can be honored. He did not defile nor destroy, he danced! And they took his hand and they danced. Children, grandchildren, great grandchildren of those who have suffered atrocities in holocausts through time bear an invisible burden until they can come together, to discuss, dialogue, and ultimately to heal.

Thank you to this beautiful family for being courageous enough to show, not just the capacity to survive, also the capacity to flourish. What if we could all come together, to sing, to dance, to join hands together to release, no longer to ignore, negate, nor wallow in history; rather to transform the past and free the present? It’s about all of us, it’s about you, it’s about me, and it’s about time!

Become an Office Environmentalist

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

I was doing some research about the environment. My mind went to Henry David Thoreau and how he was a “gadfly” to keep people connected to nature. He was a searcher for the truth and knew that our inner nature is connected with outer nature.

His life, his writing, was about seeking the deeper meaning, of everything. We have become such a “sound bite” nation any idea that takes more than five words to express is ignored.

Maybe we do need to stop, during these summer months and be quiet in nature’s bounty. Sit with the tress and flowers, sit with the sand and water, sit with the stars at night, and just sit. It was in this quiet that Thoreau wrote “Walden“.

What does this have to do with work you are wondering; nothing and everything?

We are living in such a polluted world and it is not just the physical chemicals, the oil, and the trash that is bearing down on us. We are also burdened with workplace conflict that seems to get worse and worse all the time.

With my coaching clients I am hearing more and more disaffection that co-workers have with each other. With all the team building programs, all the pizza parties, all the community days set aside, there is still an edge of tension in most work environments.

This emotional pollution is causing untold stress and it tumbles from home to work to little league. What can be done?

The idea of being an office environmentalist came to me as I was researching information about Thoreau. He died at the young age of 44 and left a legacy for others, including Gandhi and Martin Luther King to look at what I am calling emotional pollution and take a stand.

We are spending way too much time yelling at company officers who have done poor jobs, not just BP, check out the poor quality cement work of Halliburton in the Gulf as another example.

It’s not about how bad “they” are. What about our personal responsibilities for maintaining our beautiful planet, for being kind and civil to each other at work, in our communities?

This Thoreau quote stayed with me, I offer it to you “There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root.”

Take some quiet time this summer and think about how you can help get to the root.