Archive for the ‘Conflict’ Category
Wednesday, December 28th, 2011
What can we do to help each other face the challenges of an economic climate that changes with the weather?
There are no safe havens. Sears has been around forever and is closing stores. Old brands are dying, yet new ones will always come along to replace them.
What do we want from our leaders to help us with the tides of change?
The following article gives food for thought. So does my response. Enjoy.
Bringing the immigrant perspective to business leaders
Tags: Accountability, Behavior, Business, Conflict, Economy, Ethics, Huffington Post, Leaders, Leadership, Politics, Power
Posted in Accountability, Business, Character, Conflict, Economy, Ethics, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, leadership development, Politics, Power | No Comments »
Sunday, October 2nd, 2011
How does a social epidemic start? How can it be used for real and lasting change to occur? What are we yearning for anyway? The sparks from Occupy Wall Street are spreading. What is the organizing principle? The media says the folks who protest and march are not clear. Yes, they are. It is about something so basic it is almost impossible to consider. It is about new ways of organizing the human enterprise. We all need to participate. It’s not about finger pointing, it’s about a vital redesign. What a great time to be alive. Let’s all add our best thinking and create something amazing that will include everyone. What can you offer to this important moment in history?
Occupy Wall Street is yet another thread in the new social fabric we are all weaving; a different pattern with impressive signs for change in how we relate to each other, to the environment, and frame our basic social order. The plea is to go deeper in our thinking, not to stay in the superficial, symptoms category of right and wrong, good and bad. We can help each other find a way out of the materialistic misery that envelopes all of us, from the very rich to the very poor. Its about you, its about me, and its about time.
The deepest concern that is finally coming to light is how we have been alienated from each other. Social media is here to help us connect. The tweets of encouragement for those on the Brooklyn Bridge were from around the world. There is no more hiding and ignoring. The opposite of alienation is connection. In our Total Leadership Connections program that is the core teaching “we are all connected and no one wins unless we all do”. The dictators around the world are learning this, now those who have taken more than their fair share on Wall Street are in the world classroom.
Tags: occupy wall street, social epidemic, Total Leadership Connections, wall street protest
Posted in Conflict, Leadership, Media, Politics | No Comments »
Thursday, September 29th, 2011
Sean Penn, a great Academy Award winning actor is also a passionate activist. I spent time mulling over a statement he made while I was catching up on the news on the plane coming from Las Vegas. I was riveted watching a program about what a democracy requires.
“Democracy is no democracy without participation” was an important quote from Sean Penn. I sat thinking about leadership and what it takes for leaders to activate our participatory neurons. Plane rides are great places to zone out and also to have quiet time to think.
My reverie brought me back to sixth grade where I was elected the Vice President of our class. “What do I do?” I queried. “Not much” was the reply from the President. He made sure to inform me that HE would be in the limelight and I would simply be there, well, in case he got sick or there was something boring he did not want to participate in.
It was a time before “the girls” took strong stands. I looked at dear Bill and smiled, “I guess I’ll take my cues from you.” “Yeah, good idea” was his reply.
Even at the age of twelve the conditioning to let others dictate behavior, what is and is not allowed, what can and can’t be done is deep. And I was one of the question askers, one of the GUTSY ones.
It did not take long before I started to create some waves at school. “Why” I asked our teacher did the President have all the power and I, the Vice President had none? (Do you think Joe Biden asks this also?).
I got little from my teacher who just wanted us to “behave”. I was told that was just the way things were and to accept things as they were. What was so perfect was that Bill became majorly annoying in school and before I knew it there were rumblings of impeachment. That would mean I would be President. Sounded good to me!
Now, as I look back I think about what a major learning time that could have been for all of us twelve-year-old kids. Instead, the teacher called a meeting of the “rabble rousers” and told them you cannot impeach a President for liking his job and for showing off. We did not have a leg to stand on and thus the delight about impeachment soon faded away.
What also faded away was our fascination with power, personalities, and politics. Most of us became uninvolved and the school year ended with little learning about how to really participate in a democracy. What we learned was what so many of us took into the workplace, which is how to behave properly and be politically correct.
Tags: democracy, democracy is no democracy without participation, Leadership, Power, Sean Penn
Posted in Business, Character, Conflict, Leadership, Management, Politics, Power | No Comments »
Thursday, July 14th, 2011
Sometimes we can learn by sorting through the lives we see in film. Today, with all the sadness around bullying in schools (and summer camp) it may be a great time to pull out the film “Grease” and watch it with the kids to start a conversation about how to be with each other differently than in a bullying/victim way. I’d love to hear about other films you think may be helpful for families to watch together.
“Why a Parent’s Empathy Is Vital for a Bullied Girl — and Why It Often Goes Out the Window” by Rachel Simmons contributor – Huffington Post
When I did the original research for Odd Girl Out, I asked every bullied girl I interviewed to tell me what she needed most from her family. The answer truly surprised me. It wasn’t having the best solutions, calling the school or trying to act like everything was okay.
It was empathy.
Before you say, yeah, yeah, I figured that, hear me out. Now that I’ve been working with parents for a decade, I have seen up close how easy it is for empathy to go out the window. There are two reasons why parents struggle: First, when the alarm bells go off, we want to put out the fire. We assume — understandably — that we can make a child feel better by making her problem go away. Parents are habituated to this from the moment of a child’s birth: feed when they’re hungry, sleep when they’re tired, hold when they cry. We bypass empathy and go straight to the problem solving.
Click here to read the full Huffington Post article.
My Comment:
Bullying or being bullied is a complex relationship issue that includes both empathy, as the writer suggests, as well as some self delving on the part of the parents, school, or community.
In my book “
Don’t Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns that Limit Success” I suggest that behavior patterns (persecutor/
bully, victim, rescuer,
pleaser,
martyr,
avoider, etc.) come from the triad of family, culture, and crises.
Rather than point fingers at the “bad” one and protect the “victim” we need to create an avenue where there is dialogue that can happen at home that will lead to empowering those who are in this difficult play. A major part is for parents to look back at how they handled the tugs and pull of growing up and if they were the persecutor/victim/rescuer. Often just talking about this will help the youngster find new language and motivation to do things differently. Isn’t that what we are all looking for? Better ways to communicate and be part of a caring culture?
Our kids can stand on our shoulders if we help them look through the larger lens of a broader system. I suggest that watching “Grease” together and talking about it could be a great way to open the dialogue. Sandy and Rizzo both had to learn to handle the slings and arrows of life in a better way. This helps start the discussion by indirection and has helped many families.
Sylvia Lafair president Creative Energy Options (CEO Inc.)
Tags: Bully, Bullying in schools, CEO Inc., Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Creative Energy Options, Don't Bring It to Work, Don't Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns that Limit Success, empathy, Grease, Grease the movie, Huffington Post, Leadership, Odd Girl Out, Rachel SUmmons, relationship management, Sylvia Lafair
Posted in Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Family Conflict, Leaders, Leadership, leadership development, Management, Patterns, Relationships, Transformation, Workplace Relationships | No Comments »
Thursday, July 7th, 2011
This is a resource book that can guide you when you are frustrated and annoyed. You know those moments when it is better to take a deep breath than say too much. It is like having a wise friend on call to hold up the stop sign so you don’t shoot yourself in the foot.
Let’s face it; conflict is just part of the work day. It will not go away. What can go away, however, is the wasted time and clean up action that occurs when there is a knee-jerk rather than a skillful reaction to the conflict.
Polsky and Gerschel have gathered together great phrases for so many of the daily situations that can now be handled with elegance and forthrightness rather than disdain and disappointment. Practice them in the quiet of your home and then bring them to work for better results.
In fact, with some reframing of situations these phrases can be used at home too.
Tags: Antoine Gerschel, Book Review, Lawrence Polsky, Perfect Phrases
Posted in Book Review, Books, Conflict, Conflict Resolution | No Comments »
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
Leadership Pioneers
Billie Jean King is an icon of barrier breaking. When she was at her prime in tennis she still had to take the barbs and belittling that came with women champions back in the day. Why she would be food for comedians is a wonder, and yet, that’s where we were fifty years ago. Still inequality? Yes, and we all need to gather our voices for the new way that is in process of happening. That means a world where all skills and talents are respected and better yet, utilized.
Wimbledon Executive: Grunting Female Players ‘Spoiling’ Tennis filed by Michael Klopman the Huffington Post.
The millions in attendance at Wimbledon are apparently turned off by the loud grunting coming from the female tennis players, according to the head of Wimbledon.
In an interview with The Daily Telegraph, Ian Ritchie said that fans are frustrated with players who grunt too loudly. He also said that fans believe the loud grunting is “spoiling” the game.
“The players have an ability to complain about it, if one player is grunting too much and the other player doesn’t like it and it is distracting, they can complain to the umpire,” he said. “We have discussed it with the tours and we believe it is helpful to reduce the amount of grunting.”
To read the full article, Click Here.
Tags: breaking barriers, CEO Inc., Huffington Post, inequality, Maria Sharapova, Sylvia Lafair, Victoria Azarenka, Wimbledon, Women champions, women tennis
Posted in Accountability, Business, Conflict, Equality, Women in the workplace | No Comments »
Tuesday, May 24th, 2011
What do we learn from competition? Is this where we get our self-esteem? What do we do when we lose? How do we handle setbacks? What does it mean when the mantra is “winning is everything”? Now in the legal system, Lance Armstrong does not say he took anything to make him able to go faster, to be stronger. All he said is “I did not test positive”. Is that like Bill Clinton’s famous refrain “I did not have sexual relations with that woman?”.
We need to start asking the hard questions before there will not be anyone left who is living life for the joy of it, win or lose, just for the delight of growing and learning. Let me know what you think.
The Armstrong Enigma by James Moore, contributor to the Huffington Post.
“If you live in Austin, you can almost breathe the Lance Armstrong legend in the air. Everybody intimately knows the tale and its grand parameters. Who has such athletic accomplishments; especially after cancer? His greatness and, indeed, humility were made even more manifest when he established a foundation to help in the global quest to end cancer. We have in our midst, many Texans believe, an individual who is exceptional in character and achievement.
The Armstrong profiled by interviews and narrative in the 60 Minutes report on CBS is difficult, if not impossible, for many people in Austin to process. The arc of Lance’s story has been always upward from the time he was pronounced cancer free. He got healthier, faster, fitter, wealthier, and more magnanimous with time. Every chapter of this American tale was written with bold strokes through nothing more than focus and determination.
There are now, however, several of Armstrong’s teammates during the period of his ride to glory, who are sketching out an anti-hero. The young man they describe thinks of regulations and rules as opponents to be defeated. Each of Armstrong’s teammates, meanwhile, is being attacked for a lack of credibility, and, in fact, their own confessions about doping turn them into liars. Tyler Hamilton, Floyd Landis, Stephen Swart, Frankie Andreu, and, if CBS is correct, George Hincapie, were all part of a deception to use performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs) to win. The points of attack are pretty easily established for Armstrong’s legal and public relations team.
But is Lance the only person telling the truth? Are most of his teammates jealous and petty and pathological liars? They seem to have created an alternative reality with their words.
Armstrong is dismissing Hamilton, as he has other accusers, for lacking credibility. The level of detail described by Lance’s former teammate, however, is difficult to ignore even for casual observers of this controversy. Hamilton, who appeared drawn and a bit emotionally tortured during the taping, told of flying in a private jet to Spain with Lance where they were both transfused with their own red blood cells, a process called blood doping, which improves endurance. He also claimed Armstrong shipped him drugs, that they both put drops of testosterone oil into each other’s mouths after a race, and that he was in the room during conversations with a controversial doctor who was teaching them how and when to use PEDs. Lunch bags of goodies, according to Hamilton, were given to riders that had earned their way into the inner circle. He also said he saw Armstrong use EPO and indicated there was a program driven by Armstrong and the team coach Johan Bruyneel. A similar description was provided by Swart to Sports Illustrated. Regardless, Tyler Hamilton either has a very active imagination or he has opened the door to ignominy for an American icon.”
To read the full article, Click Here.
Tags: Accountability, ask hard questions, CEO Inc., Character, Communication, Conflict, Creative Energy Options, Huffington Post, Integrity, Lance Armstrong, Leadership, leadership development, personal growth, Sylvia Lafair, Will Power
Posted in Accountability, Character, Communication, Community Relationships, Conflict, Integrity, Leaders, motivation, Will Power | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, May 17th, 2011
Where there’s smoke there’s fire is the meta- message of gossip. It’s really good for you. That is, it’s really good for you if you learn how to decode it and use it to your advantage.
There is so much “good advice” out there that says stuff like “Find out who is starting the gossip and tell them how you feel”. Okay, that’s great but does it really make change happen?
NO!
Hey listen; here is the special stuff that makes gossip so good for you. It is a feedback system that is there to grown and learn from. “But, but” you say, “it is mean and rude and hurtful”. Maybe so, and to that I say so what.
Sometimes you can get to the source of the gossip and sometimes you can’t. Digging in that rabbit hole can be a waste of time. Here is what I suggest: listen to the essence of what is being said about you. Think of it this way: if you were making a film about office gossip and you were the star and the rumors and innuendos were all pointing to you, what would you name the play. No, don’t whine and be a victim, unless that is what they are saying about you; then you can name the play “Always My Fault”!
Here are some titles that could be really good “The Show Off” (about the super achiever…does the shoe fit?), maybe another would be “The Avenger” (hey are you a rebel at work?) maybe “Outta Here” (that is if you are an avoider).
The key here is to have some fun with this. Gossip has been around ever since there were tribes long ago and a runner from one tribe went to the next, was called into meet with the Chief who would say “So, what’s the juicy word out there”.
Use gossip to your advantage; learn from it and it will be a stepping stone to success at work. Once you tame it, become its friend; you can never be derailed from a positive and firm leadership role in your work life. Stay strong, stay focused, stay curious; life’s an adventure and gossip is a tasty morsel at a roadside restaurant.
Tags: Avoider, CEO Inc., Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Gossip, Integrity, Leadership, leadership development, Rebel, Relationships, Super Achiever, Sylvia Lafair, Victim
Posted in Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Integrity, Leadership, leadership development, Relationships | 3 Comments »
Monday, April 25th, 2011
There is so much being discussed about authenticity and it can be a double edged sword if the subtleties are ignored. Truth, just like everything else in life is good and yet can backfire if not done with a strong sense of time and place. Let me know what you think after you read this post.
Why Self-Deception and Leadership Don’t Mix
By Laurie Gerber
When I talk to leaders, I find out that a lot of them struggle with feeling like frauds. After all the work you do to succeed, do you sometimes still end up feeling like a fraud?
Recently my leadership capacities took a leap forward when I realized that I was being a hypocrite. I was telling other people to speak the truth to their parents, and I wasn’t standing up and speaking “my truth” to my dad on the subject of his smoking. As soon as I started dealing with that head on, I experienced more confidence in front of large audiences and in front of the camera.
I know another great leader who, despite tons of success as an internationally known fitness instructor, still felt like she didn’t really know what she was doing. She opened up and began talking about it in front of her classes and realized that she had been thinking that her unique version of exercise was some how “less than” other more established brands. However, in revealing that, and in rethinking it, she realized that it was in fact even more special because it was different. But then there was this other compounding issue of updating her certifications, which she also admitted needing to do. Clearing that up, she experienced a whole new level of success and confidence. She stopped hiding her internal dialogue (which we all know is so often wrong) and started telling the truth about her trials and triumphs as part of each class she led. As she made transparency her policy, she was forced to deal head-on with anything that was troubling her and was loved through her process by her students. The public nature of this type of leadership caused her to correct things in her life and to be an inspiration in ways she had only dreamed of doing “on her own” or with just a therapist. What a gift to have “a public.” What an inspiration she was to her public.
I know a spiritual leader, similarly, who was shocked and appalled to realize that she was teaching a message of peace and acceptance while regularly losing control with her young son and yelling at him. On some level, how could she not feel like a fraud? But we don’t say to ourselves, “I am a fraud.” Instead, when thinking of taking the next leadership risk, we think things like, “I am just shy,” or, “I’m not good enough yet,” or even, “I don’t really want/care about that.” The truth is, we do want more and we do care.
Many of you have a vision for something you want to see happen. It could be a reconciliation or improvement in your family or in your marriage. It could be a better household system with your kids. It could be teaching the art of breathing or pottery or architecture or law to a group of students, or it could be working with a non-profit or company that has a local, national or global mission to fulfill. To get the job done, you need to be free to lead, confident in yourself, your ability and your right to command others to listen and follow you.
Consider that you want someone to follow your lead. In order to hold your head high and ask for that, you need to really trust yourself. The first step in building self-trust is telling the truth about where you are right now. If you are stuck in your leadership, ask yourself if you have one or more of the issues I brought up in my first three examples.
- You might be a hypocrite on some level.
- You might be unresolved about an incident that happened to you that clouds your view of what is possible.
- You might be staying quiet about something you need to speak up about.
When you start talking about it to others (truthfully), you are forced to deal with it.
* * * * *Dip your toe in to this process by first confessing something on my life coaching blog. Leave a comment and I’ll respond. And if you haven’t already, I recommend that you schedule a free life coaching session.
Sylvia Lafair Comment:
Thanks Laurie,
Good post. What I teach in my Total Leadership Connections Program, now in its 10th year is that to be authentic we need to have the courage to tell the truth. However, there is one caveat that I want to add “telling the truth is NOT spilling your guts”. Sometimes leaders trip over themselves because the place or time is inappropriate and thus they end up with egg on their faces. This is so key to leadership, not to pull others into your inadequacies when you are the teacher; it sets up the knee-jerk reaction of those you are leading to want to either rescue you or tackle you to
the ground.
I have seen this happen over and over; there is an art to self-disclosure and the leaders who master this are the ones with sustainability.
Tags: Authenticity, communications, Family, Huffington Post, hypocrite, Laurie Gerber, Leaders, Leadership, Marriage, Reactions, Self-Deception, Self-Trust, Spiritual Leader, Struggles, Total Leader Connections, Truth, unresolved
Posted in Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Leadership, leadership development, Trust | No Comments »
Monday, April 4th, 2011
There have been so many wars since Vietnam, so many disputes and disagreements. Jane Fonda who was a poster child for polarization around the Vietnam war is a grandmother now in her mid 70’s. So, it is fascinating that vets from that grizzley war have expressed anger about Fonda being a keynoter at a leadership conference. What I found powerful in the following article is how memories do stay to haunt us for decades. This is what we teach in our Total Leadership Connections program. The amazing pull the past has on us that can often be carried forward for generations. I am not judging the impact that a photograph of Jane Fonda so many years ago had on men who fought in that war or even if it was the right decision to have another speaker take Fonda’s place. Just that the power of memories is huge.
Fonda: Persona non grata in Nashua
by Joseph Cote
NASHUA – Griffin Dalianis and many other Vietnam War-era veterans haven’t forgotten the photographs that came out of North Vietnam almost 40 years ago.This week, their feelings about those photos, and the woman in them, convinced organizers of a local leadership summit to decide against inviting the woman to town and perhaps inciting Vietnam-era-style protesting.Dalianis, a vocal veteran issues advocate in Nashua, said he “went berserk” when he heard actress, fitness expert and erstwhile antiwar protestor Jane Fonda had been invited to be the keynote speaker at the New Hampshire Women’s Leadership Summit in June. Dalianis immediately started drumming up support for a protest outside the event.Organizers of the summit backed down this week and have replaced Fonda with Pulitzer Prize-nominated journalist and author Fawn Germer.“It was a combination of, one, respect for the veterans and compassion for their sentiments about this, along with our concern because their reactions were rather intense,” said Dr. Annabel Beerel, chairman of the New Hampshire Women’s Leadership Institute board of directors.“We were concerned about our attendees.”Dalianis was a member of the Air Force 1st Special Commando Group, the forerunner to the Air Force’s Special Operations airmen, and was stationed in Vietnam in 1964-65. Two of his brothers served in the war, and one of them, Peter Dalianis, earned two Bronze Stars and three Purple Hearts there. He is buried in Arlington Cemetery, Dalianis said.“It brought me right back to the war,” he said. “I can still close my eyes and picture her on an antiaircraft gun. As far as I was concerned, that was aiding and abetting the enemy. I don’t even like saying her name.”Dalianis said he’s thrilled with the institute’s decision to rescind its invitation to Fonda.“I thought I was going to be a voice in the wind,” he said. “Too many people do not remember the incident. Most Vietnam veterans do.“I’m thrilled, absolutely thrilled, that whoever’s running the program took our feelings about this into consideration.”Beerel said enrollment for the summit has already topped 200 people. She said Fonda was “extremely surprised” by the change. Fonda has had a very different reception at other public appearances, Beerel said.“Of course, she’s faced a lot of this, but she’s not a politician anymore,” Beerel said. “She’s reinvented herself. She’s apologized.“She’s not meeting this reaction in other places. She doesn’t know what to make of it.”Dalianis said while he appreciates the decision to change speakers out of respect for veterans, there was no need to worry about anyone’s safety. He planned to gather with around 100 other veterans and carry American flags and signs outside the conference, which will be held June 10 at Nashua Community College.“It would never have gotten out of hand,” he said. “We’re old men now. This would have been a very peaceful protest, as far as I’m concerned.”Joseph G. Cote can be reached at 594-6415 or jcote@nashuatelegraph.com.
Tags: Generations, Jane Fonda, Judging, Leadership Summit, Nashua, Total Leadership Connections, Vietnam, Vietnam War, Women's Leadership
Posted in Conflict, Fear, History, Honor, Leaders, Leadership, leadership development, Media | 1 Comment »
