Archive for December, 2009
Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
I was at a seminar for authors on how to sell more books. Do I want to sell more books? Of course! Yet, there are so many shady ways to go about becoming a “best seller” or, let me put it this way, a “best seller for a day” I must admit I got really turned off.
Here is how it works: you tell everyone you know, and hopefully that is a lot of people, to go on Amazon at exactly the same time on the same day, usually right after the book comes out and buy a copy or two or three of the book. Then you sit back and watch your rating go sky high, at least for that brief moment.
Next, you have the right to state you are an Amazon “best seller”, even if before the week is over you are way down the list of popular books.
I couldn’t do it. I thought about it. In fact I thought about it for a few days. Then I decided that if my book had any merit, it would have to stand on its own, over time.
I must admit, when I check out competing books on leadership, executive development, workplace relationships, conflict resolution, personal and professional growth and the like, I sometimes become frustrated with the games that go with the process of becoming a “known“ commodity.
In any case, if you want to get some serious answers on how to navigate your professional life, how to become a leader of choice, and how to make a difference both at work and at home, please check out my book “Don’t Bring It to Work” (Jossey Bass). You can also take the Pattern Aware quiz at http://www.sylvialafair.com/quiz.html and receive a free half-hour consultation concerning the results. Then, you can decide if the book, or one of our programs, is right for you.
This may be a slower way to best seller status, or it may never happen. Either way is okay, at least I’m playing the game in an ethical and respectful way and that is really what matters to me.
Tags: Book, Ethics, Executive Teams, Integrity, Leadership, leadership programs, Navigate professional life
Posted in Accountability, Business, Coaching, Consulting, Ethics, Honor, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, Money, PatternAware, Patterns, The media, Uncategorized, leadership development | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, December 29th, 2009
Boy, can the little ones teach us to pay attention to how we respond to life! And, they can be a great monitor for us, even better than the most experienced adult. Here is a fun, and also deeply important incident that happened over the weekend.
My husband Herb and I have been visiting with our daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren. Our rather precocious four-year-old granddaughter (she really is, it’s not just a grandma thing!) and I were home alone putting a puzzle together. We got all the pieces out, and the instructions initially seemed so simple it was a slam dunk that it should take, oh, maybe ten minutes.
Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I did well in school and even earned a PhD. So, I guess I can be considered somewhat smart. Anyway, forty-five minutes later, the darn thing was still dispersed all over the carpet.
Frustrated, I turned to Arielle and said meekly “Well, I guess we just have to wait for Grandpop to come home”. She reached over to pat my arm and said, “Hey Grandmom, we can do it, I just know we can do it. We don’t have to wait for anyone else.”
I wasn’t so sure, yet her enthusiasm leaked over to my side of the puzzle and we began again. She handed me each piece the way a competent nurse must deal with a surgical resident doing a first appendectomy.
We finished, just in time for her parents and Herb to walk in the door. Arielle proudly showed them the work we had completed. I was grateful no one asked how long it took and I was also grateful that the smart four-year-old can’t yet tell time!
What did I learn? That the children who are being taught to think for themselves from the get-go, the ones getting recognized for a “job well done” when they master a new skill, the ones who are being trained to have patience and look for options to solve the little puzzles of life have the confidence to stay with it, even when they are not sure of the outcome.
Honestly, I’m not so sure I was taught that as a child. I thought about it later and realized that as a young girl, I often waited for my older brother to help me out when I got stuck. The world has changed, and with it so has the role of females.
My granddaughter showed me the new way for both little girls, and boys: stick with it and learn to solve it yourself and have the confidence to believe you can do it. That sure does give me some faith in the future. If enough of our children and grandchildren grow up willing to stay with it, to solve life’s problems, maybe there really is hope for this complex and bruised world.
Tags: Behavioral Patterns, Coaching, Communication, Family-Based Patterns, Leaders, Leadership, Lessons learned from children, pattern aware, Patterns
Posted in Coaching, Communication, Health, Holiday, Leaders, Leadership, PatternAware, Patterns, Team Building, Women in the workplace, Workplace Relationships, leadership development | No Comments »
Tuesday, December 29th, 2009
This is the time of year when we all become sheep and make that list of best practices for the next year. Like psychic predictions, most of them are trashed before the year comes to an end. Why do so many of us waste so much time saying “yes” to things we know will fall by the wayside before too long?
We are so conditioned to starting the New Year fresh and ready for breakthroughs we make our one to ten or one to twenty list and then put an action plan on paper. And then, the burdens and toils of the day take over and somehow, we get into the same old, same old rut.
The reason? Often we take on the whole world. We will become the beautiful, energetic people who will make our fortune this year, just like the ones in all the magazines. Yet, our patterns, those old nagging behaviors from the past creep in and voila! we look back on the year and find we are not so different than we were 365 days ago.
Perhaps we are doing it all wrong. Before we look to the future, maybe we need to look to the past and learn from it. So many philosophers have used a variation of “if we do not look to the past and learn from it, we are bound to repeat it”.
So, instead of resolutions, take a look back to see where you have repeated behavior patterns over and over and look for some revelations about yourself. Then take one aspect of how you respond to others and make that a priority for at least the first six months of the year. One is really enough. Once you start to change just one habit pattern, other behaviors will magically change without effort.
If each of us took the time to change just one thing, it would make a huge difference both in the family and in the workplace. You can learn about your patterns by taking the pattern aware quiz on my website www.sylvialafair.com. Once you have taken the test, call our office for a half-hour free consult by one of our facilitators to help you decide what you want to tackle first.
Sure, there are only a few days left in this year. So what? Everyday is a new day, and you can start to make miraculous changes in the blink of an eye. We are available to help. Let’s make this crazy world a more user-friendly place and learn about ourselves in depth, rather than making mindless resolutions that are usually broken before the month of January is history.
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Boss, Ethics, family patterns, Family-Based Patterns, Health, leadership programs, Transformation, Workplace Relationships
Posted in Accountability, Beating holiday stress, Employee burnout, Health, Holiday, Leaders, Leadership, Management, PatternAware, Patterns, Women in the workplace, Workplace Relationships, leadership development | No Comments »
Tuesday, December 29th, 2009
Leadership is a front-and-center job. It’s hard to hide, and if you have chosen leadership, why would you even want to be in the background? Yet, there are times we all need a break and even then, even when you are on holiday, you know you are still being judged, worshipped, detested, quoted, ridiculed, respected, and second-guessed. It’s the nature of the position.
Take a few minutes and think back to when your career as a leader started. It certainly began long before you accepted your present position. It may have been when you ran for a class office in junior high, or became the captain of a sports team in high school. Think about what you learned at that juncture about playing to the crowd, perhaps, even the local media, and what it means to maintain authenticity.
Now, look at the mantle of leadership and how well it fits you. Do you find it too loose, too tight or just right? Some of us have to let the seams out and become more forceful, own more of the package. Others need to rein in their authority or are seen as that awful woman in “The Devil Wears Prada”. I don’t really know of any present-day leader of a large company, an entrepreneur endeavor, a project manager, a school official, a government agency head, who tells me they have it “just right”.
It seems all women leaders are searching for the balance between public persona and private person. There are so many expectations about who a leader is – who you are; what a leader should say – what you communicate; how a leader looks – how you dress. Think about the demands and how you feel about the burdens of performing and meeting the expectations set upon you.
Where does the word “authentic” fit into your inner dialogue? From all of my coaching clients, I am aware (as well as in my own inner conversations) that there is a continuous struggle between being someone the world wants and what you know is the right fit for you. It is a constant battle – kind of like that extra ten pounds that are always either obvious or hidden in the background ready to disrupt.
There is an excellent article on Oprah.com, written by Mike Robbins, about the need for recognition and the craving for fame, that has some great insights. Now, I am not suggesting that as a women leader your driving force is to be famous. I am saying that being noticed and critiqued comes with the territory. It is a relationship with employees, customers, community, and often, stakeholders.
Our relationship with positional power is directly related to our sense of personal power.
This is a season of reflection, so take some time to look at the patterns of behavior, the relationship world, that has shaped your ability to be authentic, stand firm and not succumb to the demands of colleagues, community, or critics and be true to yourself. Not an easy task to find the way OUT of old behaviors into new, more effective true-to-yourself reactions. Not easy to go from “too this” or “too that” to “just right”.
Take time to Observe, Understand and then Transform behaviors that are blocking the route to authenticity. One gift I would like to give you is the opportunity to take the pattern aware quiz at www.sylvialafair.com and then have some phone time to assess the results.
The best gift we can give ourselves going into the new decade is the gift of deep diving into our own authenticity and how our presence impacts those we lead.
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Business, Coaching, Communication, Emotions, Ethics, Leadership, Management, pattern aware, Patterns, Workplace Relationships
Posted in Employers, Ethics, Executive Teams, Leaders, Leadership, Women in the workplace, Workplace Relationships | No Comments »
Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
Tiger Woods’ stories are touching almost every aspect of life in organizations today. Does he owe anything to the golfing community where he is seen as a CEO of sorts? Does he owe anything to his previously adoring public? Of course he owes much to his family, not just wife and children. What about his mother, and mother-in-law who fainted, assumingly from the stress, last week?
One area that could possibly shed some light on the issues of today would be to look at the life Tiger had as a youngster and how that has played out in his adult work-life. This is simply another perspective to consider. Having worked as a family therapist for years, I know first hand that what goes on in someone’s, anyone’s home is multilayered and complex and cannot be analyzed into two simple categories of good Tiger, and bad Tiger.
Maybe this could be a “wake up call” to parents who are uni-focused on the success of their children, perhaps at the cost of their emotional development. The same can be said for many other sports and media stars that were put into little boxes and became objects to be packaged for the world to adore.
Andre Agassi talks about the tennis court as a prison. Judy Garland never recouped from being a child star without the opportunity to be a child. Macaulay Culkin, Lindsay Lohan, and of course, Michael Jackson.
This is not about pointing fingers of blame; it is about redirecting our priorities. How many parents suggest that their youngsters, especially those with a wee bit of talent, focus on that strength at the expense of becoming a whole person?
All leadership development programs need to address this insanity of what success really means. Think about it – with all his homes, yacht, fame and money, what does Tiger have in terms of contentment and joy? Was he running after sex or something deeper and more illusive that is still haunting him from his childhood? Let me know what you think.
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Coaching, Communication, Conflict, Emotions, Ethics, family patterns, Family-Based Patterns, Fear, Health, History, Leaders, leadership programs, Media, Money, pattern aware, Patterns, Power, Psychology, Relationships
Posted in Accountability, Avoider, Coaching, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Consulting, Diversity, Ethics, Fear, Health, Honor, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, Media, Money, PatternAware, Patterns, Power, Psychology, Uncategorized, leadership development | No Comments »
Monday, December 14th, 2009
In today’s Managing Leadership blog, there are some fascinating thoughts about how everything is connected; who we are, what we do and which elements – physical or psychic – drive our behavior.
These are important concepts that too often are left in the dirt of the road as executive leadership programs zero in on strategies and financials. Once we begin to ask the questions of what connects us, regardless of the type of business we run, the place in the world we live, the secondary customs and traditions we follow, then we can make great progress in looking at the baseline of what work means and why we work.
What we do know is that work is one if the most socially acceptable and constructive ways for people to spend the major portion of the day. Is it merely to pay the mortgage or find ways to fund weekend pleasures?
From observation of employee behavior, along with psychological and sociological research, one human universal becomes clear. Humans do not thrive on mindless and consistent pleasure, which gets boring. What humans thrive on is challenge.
Think about the most successful reality shows. They are about winning the amazing race, creating great recipes, losing tons of weight. In every program, we cheer for those who can overcome obstacles and learn to live a more rewarding life.
It is the same at work. When you hear co-workers engaged and enthused with their day-at-the-office, it is because they have met a challenge, found a creative solution, learned something new about themselves.
All leadership development programs need to include a module on defining and discussing human universals. Since there is ample evidence that individuals, regardless of business title and position, all seek meaningful activities and relationships, then let’s spend time making activities and relationships at work match our basic human needs and desires.
Tags: Behavioral Patterns, Boss, Business, Coaching, Consulting, Economy, Education, Emotions, Executive Teams, Leaders, leadership programs, Power, Relationships, Stress, Team Building
Posted in Business, Coaching, Collaboration, Communication, Economy, Education, Employers, Ethics, Human Resources, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, Management, Team Building, Workplace Relationships, leadership development | No Comments »
Monday, December 14th, 2009
This end of the first decade of Century 21 is a time of searching more deeply for leadership skills that go beyond simple cookbook “become a great leader in one minute” solutions.
General Electric Chairman and CEO, Jeff Immelt, offered some great suggestions in his speech at the West Point Distinguished Leader Series. What struck me was his comment that we “must become systems thinkers who are comfortable with ambiguity”. You can read the entire speech at the GE web site.
I find it refreshing that someone in Immelt’s position is underlining the ideas that systems’ thinking is critical at this juncture of history. I believe it is a vital aspect of understanding the essence of leadership and problem solving.
However, we spend little time learning to think in a systemic way. In my book, “Don’t Bring It to Work”, there is a plea to move to systems’ thinking that I know would make a difference in how we relate to each other, to work challenges, and to the environment. So here is an excerpt from the book that I hope will stimulate thought about leadership, relationship, and connecting the dots of life.
A system is a collection of parts integrated to accomplish an overall process. The key word here is “integrated”: systems are interactive; everything depends on everything else. For example, the way doctors and nurses behave in a hospital emergency room is a system. If the experienced head nurse calls in sick, all of a sudden there is a shift in how everyone works together, there is a systemic change. Add a patient who causes an uproar and again there will be a change in how everyone works together and how the patients are treated.
Systems are found among work groups, families and even in our own biology. Chinese medicine is based on how all areas of the body work together and a cough, itching and poor sleep habits may well be part of the same illness. Even large networks of friends on web sites such as Facebook constitute a system.
If systems are at the core of how we live, then how come books about workplace issues seldom talk about them? The answer is that business is still largely shaped by analytic thinking, an intellectual orientation marked by a tendency to understand living things not by looking at the organic wholes that they are, but by separating them into their component parts. Most business leaders aren’t trained to think systemically, but rather in dichotomies; when problems occur, we sort and judge, sort and judge.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. After centuries of slumber, the older systems-oriented mode of thinking may well be making a comeback. It is what leadership education programs need now more than ever to help us solve the complex, ambiguous issues of this era. Thanks to Jeff Immelt, perhaps we can begin more rigorous dialogues about how we are all connected and the fact that no one wins unless we all do.
Tags: Dialogue, Executive Teams, GE, Integrated systems, Jeff Immelt, Leadership, Power, Team Building, Work challenges, Workplace Relationships
Posted in Accountability, Business, Coaching, Consulting, Diversity, Economy, Education, Employers, Ethics, Executive Teams, History, Human Resources, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, Management, PatternAware, Patterns, Workplace Relationships, leadership development | No Comments »
Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
Are leaders measured by different standards than the rest of us? If not, they should be! They are the ones who set the standards of what matters at work, or in society, and if they are in the “Follow me, I know the best way to go” mode, then we really need to ask and understand what and why we should follow.
It is time to evaluate our teachers, our politicians, our gurus by standards that show they live what they teach. However, are sports stars or media moguls in the same classification? They are great at letting us know the best way to swing a bat, make a basket, run a race or what to wear to be hip and in. That is a far different cry than how to live a life.
What are the questions we should be asking of our leaders? Do we have a right to ask about their personal lives or is it enough that they show us how to make money or gain an edge over our competition at work?
Perhaps all the “news” about affairs and betrayals are exploding so that we can ask the real questions about what it means to compose a life, to live with integrity. All leadership development programs need a section to look at the ethics of living a purposeful life, one that can withstand today’s demand for radical transparency.
Eugene Robinson’s article in The Washington Post is a great example of what we are searching for in our own lives as we explore the foibles and mistakes of others. A big question is why we are spending so much time dissecting Tiger Woods and his troubles when we have global warming and starvation and wars to contend with. Perhaps we are all looking at the rich and famous and seeing ourselves in them, No, not the big houses or shiny cars, more the underlying human dilemmas of what it really takes to be happy aside from the glitz and glitter.
Maybe it is time for us to sit with each other and redefine success. Do the Tiger Woods of the world exemplify successful living just because they can be golf wizards or Wall Street magicians?
It is time for all of us to think about, and share with each other, how we can bring forth in our culture what we all desire: love, truth, fairness, trust, and empathy. If out of all the messes in relationships we have seen this year, we can begin to open up dialogues about our human connection, then Tiger, Governor Sanford, Bernie Madoff, and the like will have given us a gift beyond just the ramble of gossip.
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Coaching, Communication, Conflict, Education, Emotions, Ethics, Family-Based Patterns, Fear, Leaders, leadership programs, Media, Money, pattern aware, Relationships, Resilience, Stress, Super Achiever
Posted in Accountability, Avoider, Communication, Conflict, Consulting, Education, Ethics, Health, Honor, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, Marital coaching, Money, Neuroscience, PatternAware, Super Achiever, The media, leadership development | No Comments »
Monday, December 7th, 2009
This week is the beginning of the fast track to the holidays. Everyone, no matter what their religious persuasion, is impacted by the bustle, the songs, the red and green decorations, the deep desire for holiday cheer and the disappointment if the dreams and hopes don’t measure up to the realities.
What to do? First, it is important to breathe! Yes, this is simple, inexpensive, and possible at any moment of the day. Deep breathing is better than cookies, wine, and even a new shiny car. Here is what to do: find a quiet place; even if you go into the bathroom and lock the door for five minutes. Keep your feet on the floor and hands on your lap. Then close your eyes. Take a long deep breath through your mouth and then exhale quickly and forcefully through your mouth. Do this at least 7 times and then sit for a moment to let the oxygen stream through your body.
If at work you see your employees and co-workers getting jittery and moody, take a few minutes and stop by their desk and without going into detail, let them know you are there to support them. Offer the breathing process by telling them it helps you when you feel like the kettle beginning to boil. Just stopping by, acknowledging that this is the toughest time of year, even in a good year, tensions increase, and giving them something simple to help them calm down will definitely make a difference.
No amount of “stuff” will help as much as a hand extended to say “you are not alone” and the corollary “we are all in it together”. Let’s see this difficult economic year end with leaders helping to defuse the stress and tension by being there for staff in a way that transcends even bonus money. Caring on an emotional level will bring dividends into the New Year as we all imagine a healthier economy and a kinder world.
Tags: Economy, Money, Stress
Posted in Beating holiday stress, Economy, Employee burnout, Health, Holiday, Money, Reflections, Workplace Relationships | No Comments »
Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
In a recent Psychology Today article, there was an old spin on the Tiger Woods affair. He did what he did, “because he could”, suggests the PhD psychologist. It was the aphrodisiac of power that lured him into “misbehaving”.
Remember when Bill Clinton had the whole world riveted with his shenanigans in the oval office? Lots of time went into the discussion of “should we care or not, and “whose business is it anyway”? and “it only belongs with the family”.
I could go on and on with names. Anyone remember Governor Mark Sanford? Elliot Spitzer? John Edwards? And if we continue to peel the onion back, we can find female names to add to the mix. Did Kate Gosselin “do it” with her security guard or not?
Why so much hype about what goes on in various bedrooms or motel rooms around the world? Is it just the love of gossip or, is it something else, something deeper in the generic psyche of people struggling to make sense out of relationships and what it means to commit to another?
Maybe the gossip, the endless articles, the “experts” on T.V. dissecting the reasons and back stories of the rich and famous are really our stories too – all of our stories. Maybe we, both men and women, want to make sense out of the commitment of marriage, out of the sacredness of family, out of how we should behave as models for future generations.
This appears to be a time of “radical transparency” when sexual and monetary transgressions are coming to light faster and more intently than in the past. It is too easy to brush this subject off with the “because s/he could” psychology.
Is there such a thing as sexual ethics? Is this the time for leadership development programs to tackle the issue of the ethics of how we relate to each other, to those we love, to sex, to money? Is this a time for teens to learn more than how to prevent pregnancy or just say “no” to sex, drugs, or cheating?
Now, I am not the type of prude that Europeans, who disregard most American, laugh about; those righteous individuals who spend so much time spying into the bedrooms of others and wagging their fingers at the results. I believe if folks want to carouse and test out different relationships, that is their prerogative. However, and this is a big HOWEVER, I do put out a plea for deeper discussion and understanding of the power of intimate relationships – actually, all relationships.
You see, I know that we can only get out of relationships as much as we are willing to put into them. So, if we dabble, well, don’t expect long term deep commitment back. And if we are willing to deep-dive into the mystery of relating, there are the priceless pearls that can only be retrieved from way at the bottom of the ocean of emotional and personal commitment.
It is time for us to break the patterns of the past that said “look away, ignore, deny, and avoid what is difficult and unpleasant”. It is time for all of us to ask what really matters and stop giving superficial answers to issues that are at the core of what it means to be a human being of integrity. It’s about you, it’s about me, and it’s about time!
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Communication, Conflict, Emotions, Ethics, family patterns, Family-Based Patterns, Leaders, Leadership, leadership programs, Money, pattern aware, Relationships, Stress, Workplace Relationships
Posted in Accountability, Avoider, Coaching, Communication, Ethics, Fear, Honor, Integrity, Leaders, Leadership, Marital coaching, Money, PatternAware, Patterns, Power, Workplace Relationships, leadership development | No Comments »