Archive for September, 2009
Friday, September 25th, 2009
You know the song, “What the world needs now is love sweet love…”. During these times that still seem economically tough and money is tight what can we give that replenishes itself, that won’t cause us worry and stress and still has a positive impact?
Love, you say. That is certainly correct. However, the concept of love is filled with lots of dark crevices and deep crannies. I am going to suggest something that does not require a total commitment the way love does.
Let me show you the difference between total and partial commitment: A chicken and a pig were talking about breakfast. The chicken said “I love helping the farmer and his family stay healthy and strong by eating the eggs I produce.” With that the pig snorted “Of course, it’s easy for you and your partial commitment. To get the bacon they love I have to give total commitment and I don’t like that!”
Now please hear me, love does not mean giving up your life. Yet, it does mean deep and long lasting change.
What I suggest is easier, kind of like the role of the chicken. Just give acknowledgment. Tell people you appreciate their work, their skills, their on time attendance, their cheery smiles in the morning.
Here is an interesting point. Years ago, Oprah had a book club and then stopped it. The reason why is fascinating. What she said was that she was making lots of authors famous and no one ever sent her a note or called her to say “thank you”.
So, remember, just a few kind words, a sentence of appreciation will go a long way and the cost is miniscule. And by the way, thanks for reading this, it really means a lot to me. And, if you have a few minutes to post a comment, that would make me really happy too.
Tags: Accountability, Communication, Conflict, Health, Leaders, Leadership, leadership programs, Love, Oprah, Patterns, Relationships, Transformation
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Thursday, September 24th, 2009
We all know that the formal language around a PIP is that it is “designed to facilitate a discussion between you and your boss”. Right! Everyone knows it is really a way to get you to self select out before you get fired. Wrong!
If you have a crystal ball and see a performance improvement plan looming in your future do not worry. I’ll say it again. Do not worry. Or at least don’t let the worry drive you to depression and anxiety.
Often a PIP can be the best thing to happen to you. It can open up the lines of communication with your immediate boss. It can direct you to find better ways of getting your work done. It can even, surprisingly, put you in line for a promotion.
In line for a promotion? That’s obviously not going to happen. Maybe, maybe not. Once you become aware of the invisible realm between you and your boss you can learn how to navigate this complex territory and be prepared to have a more open and honest dialogue. First, you need to learn to read the problem area that surfaces right before the PIP becomes a reality.
Here are the signs and then I’ll give you some suggestions on how to handle this tense time.
• Trust your gut. There is often a feeling of tightness in the solar plexus area that starts when you wake in the morning and goes with you throughout your workday. This is a body signal that something is up. It is almost always right, like radar of impending danger.
• Listen for language clues. You will hear lots of repetitive requests for telling your boss what you are doing and why. This is not a sign of interest; it is a sign of frustration.
• Watch for discounting. In a meeting or in the hallway you will find that your boss barely acknowledges you. In a meeting that requires conflict resolution, notice that your boss rarely makes eye contact.
• Pay attention to co-workers who become distant. You will observe a move toward superficial chit chat and a tendency to leave you out of conversations about the important aspects of work.
What to do about it. First, rather than think you are paranoid, take the proverbial bull by the horns and go to your boss. You can do this in a positive way by telling him/her that you want to “check out your assumptions”. Say that you are concerned by the sense of discomfort you feel and want to know what concerns s/he is having.
I promise you this is not like putting gasoline on a fire; it is more like dowsing a fire with water. Proactive wins almost every time. Often those in leadership positions will respond to your courageous actions by having an open conversation. This is usually a relief to a leader who, in case you didn’t know this, would usually prefer a root canal to a PIP.
So, don’t let your discomfort fester. Go to your boss and talk. I do believe this will get you on a new path and the PIP will simply become a next level of developmental learning for you rather than a punishment.
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Coaching, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Executive Teams, family patterns, Family-Based Patterns, Leaders, Leadership, leadership programs, Management, pattern aware, Patterns, Team Building, Transformation, Workplace Relationships
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Thursday, September 24th, 2009
There are many of us who learned as children to rant and rave, to make mountains out of molehills, to cry or stomp our feet to get attention. Or, maybe it was not always about wanting attention. Often, in a family the drama queen or king, the persecutor, the super achiever and the martyr are playing their role to keep peace in the family by turning the spotlight front and center on themselves.
In being the center of attention they are often taking the tension from arguing parents or problem siblings where discussing the underlying reasons for the tensions are too uncomfortable. Rather than face the difficulties the loud family member are, in a strange sense, saving the family from itself.
This also happens at work when there are stressors around projects not coming in on budget, need to downsize, or employees who are yelling out “harassment or micro inequities”, ready for a lawsuit.
When emotions are getting out of hand it is best for leaders to let the high maintenance folks have their say. This is the time to ask for the story and listen. The key here is to listen quietly. Did you get that? I mean simply listen. Say “uh huh” as you need to respond. Just don’t put more fuel on the fire.
Listening to what someone says without adding your spin will be like putting water on the fire. Sure you can ask questions, just keep it short and simple. Help the drama queen or king think about consequences and ask them to reframe what they are saying by looking from the other person’s eyes. Many emotional mountain”s disappear when you nod and listen rather than agree with or analyze. This is high level leadership that works in all organizations, at all levels of organizations, in large cities, rural areas and even on the smallest islands you can find, that don’t even know what a mountain is.
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Coaching, Communication, Conflict, Emotions, family patterns, Family-Based Patterns, Leaders, Leadership, leadership programs, Listening, Management, pattern aware, Patterns, Transformation
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Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009
We have all been taught that strong leaders are unemotional. They just deal with the facts and get the work done. That is just plain nonsense. There have been enough studies that show when we suppress our emotions we are fodder for all kinds of physical ills.
Suppressions of emotions can be costly. Please remember that. Male or female, when we shut down our emotional responses here is what happens to us: blood pressure can go up, immune system tends to go down and we are more susceptible to colds and viruses. Chronic suppressors have a strong tendency toward cardiac problems.
Next, it is important to know that our reactions impact those around us, even if nothing is said about how we make them feel, they feel it anyway. So, when you suppress strong emotions others also react and studies have shown that their blood pressure can also become elevated.
So, never let them see you sweat may work in the short term, yet for the long haul it will have a negative impact on you and your colleagues. There is a novel way to handle the discomfort of emotional happenings. How about just tell the truth! That is something we do poorly as a culture and when we are in a conflict resolution mode, more people will avoid or deny there is a problem than simply show up, tell the truth and find a way to work it out. Not as hard as we have made it, problem is we need to practice releasing rather than suppressing our emotions. That is great modeling for leaders and will keep heath care costs down also.
Tomorrow I’ll talk about the opposite of suppression, the persecutor bully boss or co-worker.
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Blood Pressure, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Fear, Health, Leaders, Leadership, leadership programs, pattern aware, Patterns, programs, Stress, Transformation
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Monday, September 21st, 2009
We all need to find our own personal way OUT of difficult emotional situations. Out stands for Observe, Understand, and Transform. How we do that can make all the difference in our work relationships and give us high marks as leaders.
In my book “Don’t Bring It to Work” I offer some short quizzes and tests to help you observe the behavior patterns that are at the core of most knee jerk responses. These are behaviors you learned as a child, mostly for survival mechanisms in the family. Often someone will be a clown to make up for family sadness, someone else becomes a super achiever to make up for some type of family shame, and another becomes an avoider because the pain in the family needs to be ignored.
Once we can observe our own ways of responding to stress and difficult situations and we start the search to understand why we needed to fit into the family in a unique way, we can begin to do the hard work of changing and transforming the patterned behavior.
Here are some suggestions on the transformational path:
• First, describe the situation. Here it is important to find a specific time that has a strong emotional pull and talk it out or write it down in detail.
• Now go back and rework the situation finding a better way of responding. Again, talk it out or write it down.
• Now, if you can meet with the person who was your adversary in the situation and talk with them. You will be surprised how this discussion can change your reaction. Often at this juncture I have heard “I never thought about that before, or I never knew that, or simply “aha”!
• Now you have a better handle on reassessing the past from your more grown up perspective and more knowledgeable vantage point.
Once again, you can talk or write about the situation with new eyes and in doing this you have begun the route to changing locked up behavior patterns. You will find in future times when you are in a conflict resolution mode, or helping your direct reports with their leadership development you will be capable of doing so with real emotions yet, no need to over activate situations since you will not get super plugged in. That is what leadership is all about. Be real, be honest, be steady!
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Business, Coaching, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Education, Executive Teams, family patterns, Family-Based Patterns, Leaders, Leadership, leadership programs, pattern aware, Patterns, programs, Team Building, Transformation, Workplace Relationships
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Friday, September 18th, 2009
George Blobe is the President of ORE Rentals, Inc. As a graduate of “Total Leadership Connections” he was able to find meaning in looking back at his family and bringing the wisdom he learned from them into the present time. Thanks George. I know there are many who will appreciate what you have written.
“My Blobe Oma once asked is the world getting better or worse? What do I know was my first thought, what is she talking about? The question seemed strange at first, but then I thought well at least she wants to know what I think, my opinion matters? I kept on thinking looking at the world thru the eyes of a young boy and looking for reasons why it might be getting better or worse. After seeing much support for both cases, I started to wonder how others saw it, so I posed the questions to others and listened to arguments for either case. At some point I got the point that no one has the answer….but if we make the choice to see it as getting better we have the chance to make it better…..
Sylvia,
This is how my search in life started and brought me to you, the sentence that changed my world was a question….a gift from my Oma.”
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Business, Coaching, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Diversity, Education, Ethics, Family-Based Patterns, Fear, George Blobe, Leaders, Leadership, leadership programs, pattern aware, Patterns, Resilience, Transformation
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Thursday, September 17th, 2009
I am delighted to receive responses to my blog request for life defining sentences. Today enjoy the blog based on how one of our “Total Leadership Connections” facilitator’s looks at her life process and the essence of leadership development from a universal perspective. Along with working at Creative Energy Options, Jocelyn Goss is an educator at a Church in Philadelphia, Pa. Enjoy!
“When we are running about life doing our own thing, casting our own dreams and wishes and thoughts and desires, there are things that are taking place in our life that we cannot see and have no knowledge of that are the actual and inevitable plans for our life, the plans and purposes that we were actually created to possess and live out. There comes a divine time when that plan is cast and set into place, and it makes no difference where you are, what you are doing or who you may think you are, the plan gets cast, regardless and there is nothing that you can do about it. It just gets cast because it’s all a timing thing and there is nothing we can do to orchestrate universal timing. Once its cast, you can choose to participate or not. You can choose to continue to do your own thing… but I have found the most life changing thing is when you find the courage to move out on what is your predestined design for your life, even though you may have great fear and it may take you way off course of your intended self chosen life destination, but I can attest that taking that journey into what is your designed destiny, changes your life instantly. Its taking that trust walk into destiny, and that trust walk takes you into places you never new existed, beyond anything that you could have imagined your life to be. It allows you to live a life that is full of grace and ease. How many of us are struggling and toiling to keep our own developed dreams and desires alive and functioning within our own strength. When you take a deep breath and trust the authorized destiny for your life, your life changes. You have been created for a purpose, you have a job that no one else but you can do. Move into your created purpose and let it change your life into one that is beyond your expectation!”
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Change, Coaching, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Diversity, Fear, History, Leadership, leadership programs, Life, pattern aware, Patterns, Resilience, Transformation
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Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said “You must do the thing you think you cannot do”. This is a great motto for today. This is a time to keep up your nerve!!!
What tactics have you used to keep from succumbing to anxiety and panic? What lessons have you learned from doing what seems impossible at the moment and then finding out it is possible that you did survive, you did succeed?
This fall is a time to renew your resiliency factor. Do something, anything that takes courage and looks like a “No way, Impossible” route. Here are some ideas. Take a back pack and go for a ten mile walk. Start at your front door and don’t have a plan in mind. Just start walking. I promise when you finish you will see your problems in a whole new light. Ideas will come fast and furious. So, start walking.
Would rather ride? Great. Get in the car and plan a one hour trip. At each crossroad just ask yourself “Left or Right” and go that way without further thought. You may be surprised where you end up. One man who did this decided to go for two hours and ended up at his college. He hadn’t been there for a decade and “mysteriously” ran into an old college buddy who was there to show his teen age son around. They started talking and a new business idea was formed.
Call someone you have not spoken to for a long time. It may seem like a stupid idea. So what! Just make the call to say “hello”. You don’t need an agenda past reconnecting. You never know what creative thoughts may be on the other end of the line.
Just think of what seems tough, uncomfortable, inconvenient, and do it. This is called a pattern interrupt. It will get you out of old thinking and push you into new possibilities.
Go to a seminar that is out of your realm of expertise. Take a cooking class if you don’t cook or a yoga class if you don’t yog. What I promise you is when you take a deep breath, get up your nerve, and do something different you will find it easier to resolve conflict, find collaborative ideas and, if nothing else, have a good story to tell that will make you feel full of vim and vigor. So, what are you waiting for, get going!
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Consulting, family patterns, Family-Based Patterns, History, Leaders, Leadership, leadership programs, pattern aware, Patterns, Resilience, Transformation
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Thursday, September 10th, 2009
I am continuing with the idea of storytelling and work. They say a picture is worth 1000 words. I believe a story is worth 1000 power points!
What is it that matters when you tell a story, to make a point? Basically it is the combination of the “Two T’s”: truth and transformation.
Let’s begin with the hero of your story. Often it is you; other times it can be an amazing or annoying boss, a delightful or dastardly co-worker, or a brave or boring direct report.
In any case the hero is one who faces obstacles, overcomes those obstacles, and returns to his or her position at work even better than before.
In our “Total Leadership Connections” program the third session is dedicated to taking the group through a variation of the hero’s journey. It takes folks from a phase of only looking at how incidents at work have impacted them to the place of looking at the situation from a systemic perspective. That means looking from the eyes of each person in your drama and making sure that the hero is one who helps the individuals and the situation change and transform to a better way of working together.
Who do you see as a hero leader? I am not talking about charisma. We have too many examples of those whose own power agendas have caused untold harm to families, companies, and countries.
I am talking about the heroes who can tell the truth about themselves, the situation which they know needs to change and the ethical ways they have done about making those changes.
If you wish to have your story in my new book about resilience you will be given full credit for what you have written. If however, you wish to remain anonymous, that request will be honored.
I will be pleased to speak with any of you who want to tell your hero’s story. If you would prefer to tell it to me rather than write it, just set a time with my assistant brooke@ceoptions.com.
Here’s to changing the world for the better one story at a time!
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Boss, Business, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Diversity, Ethics, family patterns, Family-Based Patterns, History, Leaders, Leadership, leadership programs, pattern aware, Patterns, programs, Transformation, Workplace Relationships
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Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
Yesterday I offered free, signed copies of my book “Don’t Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns that Limit Success” to the first three people who had a life changing story and a sentence that underlined what had happened.
It will be an honor to post them on my blog. In our “Total Leadership Connections” program I have had the privilege of hearing many life changing stories. The second of the program’s four sessions is dedicated to Sankofa mapping. This is a time when business executives, high potential employees, leaders from both the profit and non profit sectors come together and learn about the patterns passed from generation to generation that helped form their inner core. The stories are all of our stories filled with courage, laughter, fear, betrayal, dissention, and transformation. Truth, we know, trumps fiction every time.
Sankofa, a word from Ghana means, “Clear the past to free the present”. When we do this we are able to be better leaders, better stewards of those who are in our employ.
Our stories are needed now, more than ever before. We are all going through a revision of who we are and what really matters. We are being more finely tuned to participate in a world that is being redefined by technology, earth changes, and global connectedness.
If we all begin to tell our life changing stories perhaps we can have an impact on the media. Hollywood, in particular, is losing the war on clichés. They are so intent on financial success there is a need to stay with stories from the past that have worked. They tell only those that are predictable. Most of us can predict the ending before the first third of the film is over.
What our overfed and undernourished culture is wanting are some new insights, some originality of thought that will make us see ourselves and the struggles of the times differently.
Let your story be told. It will help you redesign your thinking and help all those with whom you work and those you love.
Tags: Accountability, Behavioral Patterns, Business, Coaching, Collaboration, Communication, Conflict, Diversity, Economy, Education, Ethics, Executive Teams, family patterns, Family-Based Patterns, History, Leaders, Leadership, leadership programs, Media, pattern aware, Patterns, Power, programs, Sankofa, Stress, Transformation, Workplace Relationships
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