Archive for the ‘Fear’ Category

I Will Survive

Thursday, July 15th, 2010

Article on Huffington Post: 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/13/auschwitz-i-will-survive_n_645067.html

Jane Korman and her father, Holocaust survivor Adolek Kohn, spoke with BBC Tuesdayto defend the video they made last summer, which shows the two accompanied by Kohn’s three grandchildren dancing to Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” in front of Auschwitz and other Holocaust sites.

“Despite the systematic brutality and cruelty endured, we have still survived,” she said about the video’s intentions. Korman told the BBC that it was about creating something that young people could connect with:

“It was really important for me to create some sort of work that had a fresh interpretation of the Holocaust. Especially for the younger generation, because I could see that even the word ‘Holocaust’ and the images that one sees of the Holocaust were numbing and in fact, they weren’t even interested.”

 

Since it was put on YouTube in January, the video has received over 330,000 hits and over 2,000 comments from viewers, who have called it everything from ‘heart-warming’ to ‘despicable.’

YouTube user colonelcandoo said “I am sure the millions of peopled who died here would be ecstatic? that you and your family are alive and dancing here. Keep on dancing…”

Other viewers found a different message in Korman’s art, however, which she said is “a tribute to the tenacity of the human spirit and a celebration of life.”

“This video is touching. Thank you!” Said user zeonchar.

Kohn, who dances throughout the video with the word ‘Survivor’ on his shirt, said that he did not mind dancing.

“If somebody had asked me then that I would come 62 years later with my grandchildren to Auschwitz, I would send him to a madhouse,” he said.

My Responses to this Video: 

The video has stopped me from doing other work today. I am fascinated with comments from all over the globe. My book “Don’t Bring It to Work” talks about how patterns of behavior are passed from generation to generation and how they repeat and repeat until someone says “it will stop with me”. Three generations are making their own statement about freedom of speech, of expression, to dance and sing and release the past, it is fabulous. They are creating, not harming! Each of us can give to children, grandchildren great grandchildren the joy of transformation, that is a gift worth giving and giving!

What can we hand to next generations? Adolek Kohn hands his grandchildren a magnificent gift; the ability to go back to places of pain and horror, to see that the past can be cleared, can be honored. He did not defile nor destroy, he danced! And they took his hand and they danced. Children, grandchildren, great grandchildren of those who have suffered atrocities in holocausts through time bear an invisible burden until they can come together, to discuss, dialogue, and ultimately to heal.

Thank you to this beautiful family for being courageous enough to show, not just the capacity to survive, also the capacity to flourish. What if we could all come together, to sing, to dance, to join hands together to release, no longer to ignore, negate, nor wallow in history; rather to transform the past and free the present? It’s about all of us, it’s about you, it’s about me, and it’s about time!

Leadership Kaleidoscope

Friday, June 18th, 2010

We just finished one of the most rewarding retreats of…. forever!

Big statement; now I will explain. For the past year we have been working with school district administrators in suburban Pennsylvania.

That includes 21 men and women who care about education and care about children.

June 2009 was their first off-site, a two day program to help them coalesce into a seamless team. Seated in the circle of chairs in the beautiful great room at The Country Place Retreat and Conference Center were kindergarten, elementary, middle, and high school principles, head of special education, curriculum, counseling, finance, transportation, grounds, maintenance, assistant superintendent, and superintendent.

Let me paint the picture from last year. Anyone can sit in a circle. Anyone can say what they think is expected of them. Not just anyone can begin the journey to the truth, to the heart of the matter. With this group it took time and it took the superintendent to start the ball rolling.

When a leader is willing to be self aware and share the essence of that awareness with a team, magic happens.

That is what happened on the last morning of last year. The group had not yet become a team. The elephants and gorillas were standing sentry. It was going to have a disappointing end, sort of like a stale and soggy afternoon at the beach.

Then the superintendent asked if she could speak. There was an uncomfortable quiet. She talked about her pattern as a super achiever and how she hated to ask for help. She then looked around the room and asked for help.

One year later: an air of “Can Do” permeated the circle. Same type of chairs, same circle, yet, what a difference; this was a group that had coalesced into a team of aligned colleagues who supported each other and had become a kaleidoscope. Each was a different shape, different color, each had a different perspective about issues, yet they all had a common goal of helping the youngsters grow and learn.

Kaleidoscopes make gorgeous images no matter which way you turn them, point of light that blend together in new and unique ways from moment to moment.

Are You an Open Book?

Monday, June 14th, 2010

There is a fascinating debate in most companies about transparency. How open should you be? It sounds so good, doesn’t it? And yet…..

How much openness is enough? Open to what, to whom? When do you close the valve of self disclosure? What are the ramifications of bringing up the curtain on your inner life?

The discussion, part of a Total Leadership Connections session, went late into the night. Here is how it started:

We had finished the powerful second session of the four part program, the time when everyone has the opportunity to answer the pivotal question “What formed you? What are the patterns that were handed from generation to generation that you have carried into your life, both at home and a work?

No one is required to reveal anything. It is an individual decision what to say or not say. Yet this is one of the few times that a program is set for business people to look at the patterns they learned in their original organization, the family and how those patterns were transferred to their present work organization. The level of “aha’s” is astounding.

Okay, so the formal presentations were over and it was time to unwind and chat. One thing, as they say, led to another, and one of the participants turned to a colleague and said “Remember when I mentioned that my brother has been an outcast in our family? Until you talked about your sister who was the black sheep and how you decided to find her and bring her back into the fold I never thought about doing anything to help. I have been embarrassed and really never talk about her. It’s private and painful.”

They continued until a plan was formed to call the same private detective and begin a search. The intention was set; the plan would wait till the morning. Neither man had ever realized that the pain of a discounted family member had landed right in their work settings. They talked about how each had become a denier; when there were deep conflicts at work, the principle way it was handled was to get rid of the “problem” and make sure that everyone stayed happy and job focused. No one ever talked about the emotional undertow of someone who was fired or downsized. It was business as usual, as if the person who left had never existed; just like in their families.

The next day they sat together and called the detective. A search would begin for the missing brother.

Life, as we know, is always more intriguing that fiction. At a lunch break when folks were checking computers and phones, the lost brother surfaced. No need for detectives. It was as if the intention to reconnect was enough. These kinds of synchronises happen when we are ready and willing for change to happen. They make differences for us in all aspects of our lives, at home and at work.

The key to leadership is not about being open or closed, as much as it is about the where, when and how. I suggest that it is all in the timing.

Leaders need a safe place to explore what pushes their buttons and what to do about it. They need to connect the dots of how home and work lives connect. They need to factor in the emotional with the rational.

The best advice I can give is to find a safe program to get under the obvious of leadership and peel the layers away. You never know who or what you can find and have a happy ending.

When You Will It Do You Really Find the Way?

Monday, May 24th, 2010

Will power; it’s a mysterious force that some seem to have and others don’t. Some are able to say no the luscious decadent dessert, others can stay away from the golf course on a beautiful day, and others can practice a dance routine till they are about to drop.

What is the mysterious force that says “Yes, you can do it” or “No you can do without it?” Why do most of us fail miserably and feel like jerks as we watch the chosen few win the awards and trophies and have to listen to how hard they worked and how they never gave up.

There are so many motivational books about focus. That “if only” you would decide to stay “on purpose” you can do anything. Well, I tell you sometimes, it just ain’t so!

Take me for example. I just lost a lot, I mean a lot of weight. I have said no to my favorite Pinot Noir, to amazing crème brulee, to freshly baked bread. And everyone has congratulated me on my will power.

Except, it did not take any of my own will; it took a combination of the right ingredients. There is a small amount of a whey shake, some coconut oil and a shot (literally) of a hormone that burns away the fat.

I learned from this that will power sounds better in a motivational speech than often is the case in real life. I did not crave anything. I’ll say it again, I did not crave anything that would keep weight on my thighs or butt.

I know what to eat; I have known what to eat for decades. I have done every fad diet and every nutritional way of eating and yet, there it was; that annoying extra weight. Sometimes you just have to wait for the right combination to find you and then eating right, finishing a project, finding a new job, or a new lover, or a new home just happens.

What I have learned from going back to my small size clothes after more than a decade of struggle is this; don’t give up the quest, what you really need is there, somewhere. More important than that, stop beating yourself up and looking to others to give you the answers; doing what is good for you is easier if you give yourself a break.

3 Ways to Make Good Change

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

When I ask participants in my seminars how many of them are comfortable with conflict my hand is usually the only one in the air. When I ask how many are comfortable with change about 25 per cent of the hands go up in the room.

So, therefore, from this vast scientific experiment I deduce that workplace conflict is dreaded and workplace change is a little bit easier to accept.

I then took the challenge to peel away the layers of why conflict and change are so difficult for most of us. What seems to be at the core of the resistance is the fear of not having any control.

Think about it for a minute; as a kid you were told what was going to happen. You were told you were moving to a new house, or a new city, or a new school. Your family did not wait until they got your “buy in“, you were just packed along with the furniture and off you all went.

At work when change occurs there are 3 major issues to consider:

Change is emotional: you can offer the best rational reasons for change to take place yet, unless you help people grapple with the emotional underbelly of what is going on you miss the key points, the ones that need to be talked about but rarely are

Everyone needs to contribute: this is critical to the success of the change process. Otherwise it is too much like the kid being told and it breeds resentment and restrictions

Change takes time: projects need tending and require time and conversations. This is where everyone can become comfortable with the action plan and do their specific part, it creates the glue of cooperation when everyone works together and keeps the vision of the new alive.

The best way to handle the conflict that erupts when change is happening is to keep lots of visuals around the office. One slogan that works is “From Now to New” and let staff find the icons that speak to where the change is meant to take everyone.

I have found that pictures do take the place of 1000 words and one icon that kept a food and beverage company moving forward was of Santa on a surfboard, beard and belly flying. It signified that the team would get a great extra vacation period when the tough work, like Santa’s, would be over. This playful image was on walls and in emails and helped to bond the teams together.

Is Workplace Fear Toxic?

Monday, May 17th, 2010

I have been researching books and articles that talk about how to maneuver in a toxic workplace. I say, LET’S STOP USING THE WORD TOXIC!!!

Here are some definitions of the word: capable of causing injury or death; acting as or having the effect of a poison; extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful.

Once we see something as poisonous or harmful we tend to go right to the basic fight, flight, or flee  parts of the brain. We must find ways to survive, no matter what!

That is because first and foremost we are here to survive and propagate the species. Once the original mandate for our purpose is handled we have some wiggle room. We can build a bridge, paint a wall or a work of art, dance, sing, or just hang out.

TOXIC sets up such a fear reaction that it leaves us little room to look at the context and how each of us plays into the dreaded setting. Most books and articles suggest a warlike reaction. Protect yourself they state. TOXIC is out there, in the environment. It’s his fault, her fault, their fault.

We are given tools and tips on how to protect ourselves against co-workers, bosses and work environments that poison our day. I say nonsense and phooey to that kind of thinking.

As a workplace relationship expert , I am speaking out strongly that it is unhealthy to set up such a polarizing, positional way of looking at what goes on at work. There is an unnecessary epidemic, seeing the workplace as a germ infested breeding ground of hostility and malcontent.

I call it the “Sarah Palin Method“; set up controversy by tugging at basic fear attitudes that we all have to some degree and then stand back. This thinking is in the same arena as the dysfunctional family medals that people wear to explain their pain and discontent.

Each of us has a responsibility to look at the part we play in every situation in our lives. If it is toxic how do you participate? And remember, even by NOT participating, you still do!

Leading by Example

Monday, April 5th, 2010
Statue of Rip van Winkle

Statue of Rip van Winkle

We are all waking up from a long, deep sleep, the sleep of denial and avoidance. The internet has opened the way for us to be connected to what is “right leadership”. We all have the opportunity and responsibility to speak out against abuses that are, sadly as old as time. Yet, now, we can voice opinions that in the past were mostly thought and rarely spoken. And, if spoken were dangerous both personally and professionally.

I encourage everyone to read this response by Sister Maureen Paul Turlish to the article in USA Today “Is Catholic Church crisis about sex abuse – or leadership?” In the late 60’s I was a young psychologist who worked at Catholic Social Service in Pittsburgh, Pa. I was the only non Catholic on the staff and it gave me a powerful opportunity to learn about the tugs and pulls of what was possible to discuss and what was off limits about Church policy.

I know how important, yet difficult it is for those who have dedicated their lives to what they believe to speak out. This is, for me true leading by example and I want to acknowledge Sister Maureen Paul Turlish for her courage to speak out publically.

In an undernourished, yet obese society, her comments give us food for thought; they are part of what I see as a new health care movement that looks toward truth rather than denial or avoidance as a major part of prevention.

 

Sister Maureen Paul Turlish response:

WHERE DOES THE BUCK STOP?

In a recent press release from the Holy See, “concerning cases of the sexual abuse of minors in ecclesiastical institutions,” Director Fr. Frederico Lombardi repeats some of the more clichéd responses and predictable excuses to the church’s ever widening problems of sexual abuse, particularly the sexual abuse of minor children.

http://www.oecumene.radiovaticana.org/EN1/Articolo.asp?c=362995

Contrary to what Lombardi says in the press release from the Vatican, the institutional Roman Catholic Church has reacted to the continuing sexual abuse debacle neither rapidly nor decisively and the Vatican continues to distance itself from what has happened in country after country, first categorizing it as an “American problem,” then as a “homosexual problem” in the United States in 2002.

The church’s response continues to be reactive rather than proactive while minimizing the systemic and endemic abuse of power and authority which enabled and exacerbated it on the one hand while covering it up whenever and wherever possible on the other.

The “wide-ranging context” that Lombardi speaks of is that in countries from the United States, Canada, Australia and Ireland to Austria, the Netherlands and Germany, church authorities have repeatedly and consistently disregarded the institution’s own moral and Canon laws as well as the existing laws of the countries’ in which these horrific crimes against humanity took place.

The church has lost its way.

If church authorities had done the morally right thing initially, one wonders how many children would have escaped being sexually abused by a particular priest?

As Patrick Wall, a former priest himself, states:

“The Roman Catholic Church has the largest body of knowledge of non-incarcerated sexual offenders in the world.”

Who, one has to ask, would have more knowledge of the internal machinations utilized to cover-up and protect sexual predators from public scrutiny than Pope Benedict in his former position as Head of the Holy Office?

While attacks on any individual is regrettable and counter productive, the fact is that Pope Benedict XVI is at the helm of the Barque of Peter. His challenge is to see that current church policy agrees with his statements in something as significant as the recent pastoral letter to Ireland.

What was done by church leadership in the United States, for example, were actions they were forced to take by the pressure of public opinion after records, files and correspondence were forced into the public venue in 2002 by Judge Constance M. Sweeney, a very brave, grounded and principled Catholic woman of Boston, Massachusetts. As the facts show, the bishops of the United States at that time were forced to make the decisions they made even while powerful bishops resisted calls to accountability and transparency every step of the way.

Moreover, while Benedict has accepted two of the proffered resignations from the Irish bishops it is well to recall that not one bishop in the United States was removed from office because of his own complicity and collusion in covering up sexual abuse. Nor has anyone been forced to resign for violating then existing canon law, criminal law or civil law.

Bishops in the United States like Bernard Cardinal Law and his auxiliaries in Boston, who were shown to have been complicit in protecting known sexual predators, should have been removed from office, their resignations tendered instead of being rewarded with a plum position in Rome in the case of Law, or their own dioceses as has been the cases with complicit Boston auxiliary bishops.

Sadly there are also examples of state authorities making deals with bishops that avoided any kind of prosecution, even though some had to admit guilt to get the deal. In a shameless act of pure hubris, the bishops specifically chose not to hold themselves to the same standards of accountability they drew up for ordinary priests.

When are people of good will going to say, enough!

When are state legislators going to change the laws so that justice can be pursued for the thousands upon thousands of victims of childhood sexual abuse who have been unable to access let alone obtain justice?

In most states and probably in most countries, existing criminal as well as civil laws give more protection to sexual predators and their enablers then they do to victims of childhood sexual abuse by anyone. The problems with statutes of limitation which have expired are probably much the same in Germany and other European countries as they have been is in so many jurisdictions in the United States.

This is deplorable and should not be the case.

The removal of all statutes of limitation in regard to the sexual abuse of children is the single, most effective way to hold predators and enabling institutions accountable before the law. More than that, window legislation allows a set time frame for previously time barred cases of sexual abuse by anyone.

It is possible to change the laws in order to give some semblance of justice to those ravaged at so tender an age. What is needed to effect that change is the will to hold all sexual predators of children accountable along with any enabling individuals or institutions.

The state of Delaware is one of a very few number of states in the United States which has removed all criminal and civil statutes of limitation in regard to the sexual abuse of children by anyone. It also legislated a two year civil window for previously time barred cases, again, by anyone. That window closed in July of 2009. Delaware also has a civil registry for those judged responsible under civil statutes.

In a civil suit, unlike a criminal suit, the burden of proof that any sexual abuse took place is on the plaintiff. The burden is not on the accused individual or institution to prove innocence, at least not in the United States.

Every victim of childhood sexual abuse should have a right to the pursuit of justice at the very least!

What people seem to forget is that children’s rights are human rights, that children’s rights are civil rights and that the hierarchy, the leadership of the Roman Catholic Church, has violated those children’s rights in the most profane of ways, not only by covering up for sexual abusers, mostly priests, but also by enabling the further abuse of untold numbers of children by these particular individuals who were known to be dangerous predators.

If Delaware can do it other states and other countries should be able to do it as well, and hold sexual predators and any enabling institutions responsible, especially when those institutions choose to ignore their own internal laws.

I was privileged to testify before the Senate and House Judiciary Committees in support of the 2007 Child Victims Law in Delaware.

No rules and no laws of any religious organization or denomination should be allowed to trump the laws of a civilized society where the protection of children is concerned.

Not only should the institutional Roman Catholic Church be held to the highest standard as a signatory to the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, it should be leading by example and showing what can and should be done to protect children from sexual exploitation, from what really is another example of trafficking in individuals for purposes of sexual exploitation, nothing less.

By any objective standard the church has grossly violated the U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child for decades.

Is it time to formalize those violations as the crimes against humanity they truly are?

Sister Maureen Paul Turlish
Victims’ Advocate
New Castle, Delaware
maureenpaulturlish@yahoo.com

Leadership Strategies: Making Envy Go Away

Thursday, April 1st, 2010
Envy: Green Eyed Monster

Envy: Green Eyed Monster

In the April edition of  Harvard Business Review is an article about how envy can sabotage your company’s performance. The word envy is one of those emotional words that spark memories. I immediately went to a time at age fourteen when we were all nervously trying out for the volleyball team at camp.

It was not for love of volleyball that was merely the vehicle; it was prestigious because the team would travel around the state to other camps at least once a week. It meant freedom; it meant checking out the boys and comparing them to those left at our home camp. It meant freedom, oh I already said that.

There were two slots left. There were three of us vying for these places. I was standing next to Lois Fisher. We were the rivals, the envy twins. We were always in competition. We said we liked each other to everyone, yet, the tension was always there between us.

I won the slot, she did not. I felt so superior, in ways that all fourteen year old girls know; subtle yet calculating. She ended up as the coach’s assistant. So, every game had Lois on the sidelines making comments about me, my stance, my hits and mainly my misses.

I did not perform well. Lois’ eyes were always boring holes in my body. I was so determined to prove her haughty judgments wrong I often froze when the ball was coming right to my outstretched arms.

Fast forward to a work experience; there she was again, no, not Lois Fisher, this was a guy named Matt Stevens. He had the same smirk, the same capacity to judge. I was a mess. I kept missing the ball.

Then I took the time to go back to the essence of my angst. It was that envy thing. I tracked back in a moment of quiet to Lois. Then I got to the “aha” moment that had all the workplace conflict melt away. I went to the place I had learned in the leadership development program from years ago. I went home!

What I realized was that the core of the tension, the jealousy was still lurking there, still under the radar, still connected with my older brother, the one who became a doctor, who always had the right answers, the one I saw as always judging me.

Here is where the Harvard article is good, yet misses a key point. The questions to ask yourself to find the source of your envy do not go back far enough. They won’t get to the “mother root” and thus will keep the pattern coming back over and over.

What I know, and why I wrote “Don’t Bring It to Work” is that when stress hits the hot button, when emotions get the best of us, we need to look into our original organization, the family. That is where the patterns that spark upset lie. It is where we find that the Lois Fisher and Matt Stevens of the world are still remnants of something older, more primal that drive us. Once we can observe these old patterns we can begin to change them. Staying in the present to find solutions can only take us so far.

Leadership Strategies: When Do We Trust

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

alg_dark-chocolate_cadburyKraft and Cadbury have not begun a most happy union. It is said that “In the beginning is everything” and that being the case, expect some unhappy times ahead.

There are so many layers to peel away. When there is a “takeover” or even a more friendly merger it is not unlike creating a step family. I have been part of several US/UK mergers and if the cultural issues stay under the surface they come out as people wearing gorilla suits….ready to fight for their own survival.

Here is my response to the BNET article about the issue of trust in this combined organization.

In the book “Don’t Bring It to Work” there are lots of examples of how we all, and that means all of us, react by replicating childhood behaviors. We ignore, deny, send the ‘little brother’ to get yelled at (as Irene did).

It is time we really took charge of what happens when we feel attacked or betrayed and find new ways to “practice safe stress” by learning to look at and change old, outmoded behaviors that were there for security and survival yet, keep us defending, protecting, and justifying rather than move to a more adult place.

Leadership Strategies, Health Care and Obama’s Mandate

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

obama_healthcare1The historic health care bill passed the House and is headed for the Senate. It is of great importance since one of the major criteria for measuring the effectiveness of a society is how those who are sick are treated.

Having only a portion of the population feeling they are being tended properly when they become ill indicates patterns of avoidance. As citizens we are all entitled to get effective treatment and know we are part of a larger community that values each of us.

I believe that Obama’s determination to pass this bill is, in part, his obligation as President of our country. I also believe there is a personal desire to right a wrong done to his mother when she was dying from cancer and spent much of her day fighting with insurance companies to have her treatment covered.

There are so many horror stories of people who have either died because of lack of money for treatment or those who have spent their life savings or gone bankrupt because of health issues. Perhaps this historic time will be a change in direction for our country that has become so polarized that conflict resolution seems almost impossible.

And yet, while there are those who still posture and choose to stand in the way of progress, the majority of us can take a deep breath knowing that our society is better for moving from avoidance to becoming initiators of a new way. When the pattern of avoider moves to initiator stagnant old patterns are cast aside and the healthy winds of change have an opportunity to bring fresh ideas to blossom.

Obama and his colleagues who have worked relentlessly to overcome the obstacles and fears of old ways of thinking and helped our country face rather than continue to avoid the idea that “we are all in it together and no one wins unless we all do” are to be congratulated.