Archive for the ‘Patterns’ Category

Fast Company and Randy Komisar

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

Randy Komisar

The following interview with Randy Komisar underlines the requirement for leaders to have interpersonal skills that stand head and shoulders above the rest. This is where the leap from average to amazing occurs. Just one humorous note: as I read the article there is a sentence I first read as “people are not fun”. “Huh” was my thought as I reread and what it really said was “People are not fungible”. Now that is not the most common everyday word, so no wonder I skipped over it too quickly. However, this is a vastly important thought. People are not fungible; they are not interchangeable. Of course you can always get a replacement. Yet, that is not the point. We are all unique and if our skills and talents are helped to grow we all can work together to create success, as Randy states, “success is created by a group of people and not by a single individual”. Good thoughts to ponder.

What Breed Is Your CEO? Randy Komisar on Leadership and Management

BY Kermit Pattison

In the life of a company, every dog has its day. So says Randy Komisar, a veteran Silicon Valley venture capitalist and entrepreneur who has spent the last 25 years launching technology startups. Komisar is a partner at Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers where he specializes in working with technology entrepreneurs. “I’m not attracted to them because of the bottom line,” he says. “I’m attracted to them to them because of the top line–they change they can make.” His own pedigree: co-founder of Claris Corporation, CEO of LucasArts Entertainment, CEO of Crystal Dynamics, founding director of TiVo, senior counsel at Apple Computer, author of two books, and “virtual CEO” to an array of fledgling companies. In this Q&A, he warns of the classic mistakes of manager-wannabe-leaders, the perils of too many bullets and not enough Zen, and why CEOs are like dogs.

Kermit Pattison: What are the classic pitfalls you see entrepreneurs making over and over again?

Randy Komisar: Mistaking the difference between leadership and management. A lot of people believe the two are the same and believe that, because they have been effective or excellent managers, that they’re capable of leading. While the two ideally come together, the qualities and attributes of a leader and a manager are not exactly the same.

In your mind, what’s the difference between management and leadership?

Management is more operationally focused. It’s more of a supervisory role of setting priorities, allocating resources, and directing the execution. Leadership is more forward thinking, more about enabling the organization, empowering individuals, developing the right people, thinking strategically about opportunities, and driving alignment. Mind you, the line is not black and white. But it’s a classic mistake that because someone is a good manager that they’ll necessarily be a good leader.

In early stage projects, the CEO oftentimes is effectively a project manager. I’ve seen some of those people over-think leadership–literally start to compound the challenges by thinking too big and not immediate enough.

They start to think, “Oh, I’ve got to be a leader, I’ve got to start reading books and learning theory?”

Exactly–I need a vision statement, I need to define my culture in five bullet points. When I started running companies 20-something years ago, I learned that the first thing to do was to define my culture, which meant sitting down and writing up a cute little vision statement. What I realized, after being involved with enough companies, is that these vision statements all look alike, the words are gobbledygook and they’re not very meaningful.

Now what I usually say is, “We’re going to come up with a culture statement a year after we formed.” Put it on the calendar. Why after a year? Because then we can actually see what out culture is–what we don’t like about it and what we do like about it.

How much of leadership is natural versus a discipline that can be learned?

The first thing to realize is how many different styles of leadership can be successful. There isn’t one style of leadership that is innately more successful than others. There are certain skills sets, which are learnable, that are very important. You need to be able to communicate. If you can’t communicate well, you won’t be able to inspire, motivate and attract the resources necessary for success.

Prioritization is a really important skill. You’ve got to know what’s more important than the other thing. It’s amazing how many really smart people can’t prioritize. Only a minority of people can effectively prioritize and focus.

And you need to have effective interpersonal skills. That doesn’t mean you need to be social and it doesn’t mean you need to be outgoing. But it means that when you sit down in your office with somebody who’s relying on you for leadership, you’ve got to be able to emphatically communicate with them around their challenges, figure out how to help them be more successful and resolve their conflicts so they can do their job better than they thought they could.

You say companies need different breeds of leaders at different stages. How are CEOs like dogs?

I call the first CEO the retriever–the leader who has to go out and assemble the resources. They have to go out and find the people, the money and the partners. That person is really great sales person–they have sell the vision every day. They’re asking people to believe in something that doesn’t exist and take a substantial leap of faith.

The next is the bloodhound CEO. You got to find out where that value proposition is going to find paydirt so you can actually build a business around it. You’ve got something now, but how do you optimize it? You’ve got to sleuth that out.

The husky is the next one. Now you’ve got a product, a value proposition, and you’ve figured out your business model. Now you’ve got to pull this sled as it gets heavier with people, products and customers up a hill, which is essentially the hill of building a big successful business.

The one dog you never really want pulling your company is the St. Bernard.

The rescue dog.

Right. Because at that point you know you’ve got big trouble.

Even a great leader, if the wrong breed at the wrong time, can be a mismatch?

Absolutely. There are different talents in the creation of businesses and running of businesses that need to be taken into consideration. A mistake often made in the venture investment business is rushing to bring in a big CEO into what is still a small venture. The mismatch of skills is severe. The big CEO needs resources, needs a strong sense of direction and momentum, and is not very effective day-to-day with a bunch of people putting bits and bytes together. The other mismatch that’s harder to foresee is the small company with momentum. You say, great, let’s bring in the guy who can grow it to $100 million and take it public. The problem is that you may face yet another significant right or left hand turn in your business which that CEO may be completely unqualified to do.

I liken it to a story a friend of mine told me many years ago about driving through the Sahara. For three nights the road through the sand was dead straight to the south. On the third night, there was a right hand turn. At the base of that turn, it’s full of crashed trucks. I think about that CEO the same way. If you’re not an agile, venture CEO you are very likely to end up crashing at that turn.

What episode earlier in your career were formative experiences on leadership?

At Go Corporation I worked for Bill Campbell, who has absolutely been formative to me. Bill showed me, first and foremost, that business was worth doing. At that point, I was a lawyer and I certainly had no inclination to go into business. To me, business was about buying low and selling high–a fun game, but not an interesting life. Bill taught me the high art and that what was interesting are the people you work with, the people you sell to, the constituents and stakeholders you bring together, the art of being able to manage them all together to succeed, and to create potential beyond the obvious. I just found that mesmerizing–that’s why I do what I do today.

If you look at the ranks of CEOs today, who strikes strike you as being particularly thoughtful about leadership?

When I read interviews with CEOs lately around leadership, I’ve got to tell you, the stuff that gets published seems awfully conventional. I’m not seeing any brilliant insights about leadership lately from the leaders who get a following out there.

I’ve given up on the guru model and think more in the Zen model: things will change and that’s okay. What we need is a set of constant provocations. What I like to read are those things that really challenge my assumptions, authors who are willing to think differently, no matter whether I agree with them or not, because they at least broaden my own thinking. What I don’t like reading is the pablum–the 10 habits of great leaders or whatever. Those are constraining and not very effective for the average person.

Speaking of bad advice, what’s the worst advice about leadership you ever heard?

One of the most important lessons I learned is that people are not fungible. I’ve had bosses who said, “We’re not going to pay well, incent, or develop our people because there’s always somebody to take their place.” The problem with that logic is, while it might be statistically true, it fundamentally indicates a culture that is not going to invest in anybody. Nobody is going to become very effective.

The other piece of leadership that somebody tried to teach me, which I dismissed, is manage by the numbers–if you manage by the numbers everything else takes care of itself. Just get people to execute, measure, hold people accountable, and that’s enough. That’s not enough. Yes, it is important to instill accountability in organization, it’s important to have good metrics, to discipline the process, reward people, and withdraw those rewards when they’re not being effective. But that won’t get you greatness.

So what does get you greatness?

When I am most successful, it’s because the people around me have made me successful. It comes down to the fact that success is created by a group of people and not by any single individual. How do you get people to come together around a goal and objective and be great? It’s establishing a sense of common purpose. Greatness doesn’t come from a tactical sense of execution. Greatness comes having a vision that goes beyond yourself and even beyond the organization.

Working With The Enemy

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010

 

Workplace Conflict

So long as we see co-workers as the enemy, and conflict in a negative light we will almost never make real change happen. The following article is good one with interesting ideas. The thought of bringing guns to work with all the stress does seem crazy to me. If we revert to childish patterns, then suggesting we bring guns to work is akin to giving your five year old the keys to the car and telling them to have a good day!

If you think your workplace is toxic, get a load of this. Legislators in an American town called Nottingham have voted to allow employees to bring their guns to work. Despite an online poll showing that 73 per cent of people support the move, the decision was reversed last week due to public outrage. So, here are some tips on dealing with workplace conflict…without the weapons.

 

The most comprehensive study I could find on the topic was released in 2008 by CPP Inc, the publishers of the Myers-Briggs profiling tools. In their global research, which didn’t include Australia, they found that employees in the UK spent 1.8 hours a week dealing with workplace conflict. In the US it was 2.8 hours a week. I’m not sure where Australia sits on the time-wasting continuum, but even if it’s just an hour a week, that’s intense.  Globally, 85 per cent of employees say it’s been a problem for them.

 

Workplace conflict is often unavoidable. Whether it’s colleague to colleague (I’ve had female employees threaten to stab each other), or between a boss and a staff member (I was once the recipient of death threats from an aggrieved worker), clashes are inevitable when you get different personalities working together for eight hours a day. The question becomes:  what should you do when it happens?

 

Vivian Scott is a professional mediator and the author of Conflict Resolution at Work for Dummies.  I asked her for five suggestions on what people can do when they’re confronted by conflict at work.

 

“The first thing is to just keep in mind that the other person is not against you,” she says. “They’re just for themselves. If something feels personal, it’s probably not. It’s just the other person trying to achieve something personally.”

 

To add to her first tip, conflict isn’t always bad. Healthy competition can be excellent for productivity and idea generation. But when it transforms into verbal warfare and open hostility, absenteeism spikes up and the conflict frequently doesn’t end until someone resigns. 

 

“Secondly, try to figure out what it is they value. It might be respect, security, or economy, that kind of thing. If you spend some time trying to discover that information, then it’s easier for you to come up with a solution that could work for both of you.”

 

She’s on to something with respect. There was a big survey conducted by AchieveGlobal in 2009 where employees across all generations were asked for the most valued attribute at work. Respect came out on top.

 

“Thirdly, deal directly with the other person,” adds Scott. “Often it’s tempting to talk to third parties and that doesn’t solve anything. Building armies, amassing allies, and separating yourself from the other person rarely solves the issue. As much as possible, if you have a problem with someone, go to them.”

 

That might be tough in Australia. Several years ago, extensive research by Human Synergistics of 35,000 managers here and in New Zealand found that the most common style of management in this country was ‘avoidance’.

 

“Control what you can control and that means you,” is Scott’s fourth tip. “Control your own emotions and how you’re going to handle the situation. Adhere to a professional code of conduct despite what the other person is doing.”

 

I polled 2,400 employees to discover what they hated the most at work, and the results came as a total shock.  The aspect of work that employees detest with the greatest ferocity? Their colleagues. Interestingly, what they also love the most are… their colleagues. So, if their workmates are brilliant, they’re in heaven. But if their workmates suck, they’re in hell.

 

“And lastly, find the learning experience,” she says. “Find the thing that’s going to move you ahead in terms of your professional conduct. Was there something you said or did that made this situation go longer or worse than it should have?”

 

Vivian Scott’s five suggestions aren’t exhaustive. But at the very least, they won’t have trigger-friendly employees reaching for the holster.

——————————————————————————–

Written by James Adonis, author of ‘Corporate Punishment: Smashing the management cliches for leaders in a new world’

 

Sylvia Lafair’s Comment:

Good article, yet too simple. What I know is that when stress hits the hot button we all revert to behavior patterns we learned in our original organization, the family. That is where we learned about fairness, favoritism, arguing, authenticity, and whining. So, if your co-worker is acting like a baby…you’re right!

In “Don’t Bring It to Work” there are the 13 most common patterns we bring to work and tips on how to change them to their positive opposite.

Searching for Healthier and More Effective Ways to Lead

Monday, July 12th, 2010

Ways of Leading

We are all searching for healthier and more effective ways to lead our lives. Mike Robbins gives a good summary of how to be a transparent and authentic leader. Please note my comment at the end of the article.

 
 
The Value of Vulnerable Leadership by Mike Robbins

Some of us have specific leadership roles in life — we manage other people in our job, we’re the head of a company, team, committee, or organization, we’re involved in school or community activities where our job is to lead others, we write, speak, or coach other people about taking their lives to the next level, and much more.

And, even if we don’t hold a specific position of leadership in what we do, just about all of us have the opportunity to be leaders in various ways. In our families, with our friends, in our community, and in our work — we have the ability to influence others in a positive way and many of us have a deep desire to impact those around us.

What if instead of obsessing about being smart, qualified, strong, powerful, innovative, creative, and other conventional leadership qualities, we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable as a way of freeing us up from the intense pressure we often feel as leaders and as a way to influence people in an authentic way?

While it may seem counter-intuitive and can sometimes be a little scary, being a vulnerable leader is what I think is needed (and often missing) in our businesses, schools, churches, communities, governments, and our world today.

Here are some key principles of vulnerable leadership:

  1. Admit and own your mistakes We all make mistakes, especially as leaders. The more willing we are to admit and own our mistakes (not make excuses, point fingers, or avoid responsibility) the more others will trust us and want to follow our lead. Taking responsibility, apologizing, and making amends for the mistakes we make are not always easy things to do, but they’re essential for us to have true credibility with the people around us. 
    Fear and insecurity are inseparable from being human and being a leader. We all get scared, but too often deny or avoid it, so as not to look weak. However, admitting our fear and sharing it with others does a few important things. First of all, it can free us up from the fear itself. Second of all, it allows others to realize we’re human. Third, it gives the people around us permission to feel and express their own fear, which is essential for individuals and groups if they’re going to come together and move through adversity. Sharing our fears with others is not something we do to make excuses or to dump our “stuff” onto other people, it’s a bold act of vulnerable leadership and something that can have a profound impact on those around us. 

 
It’s important for us to have a sense of humor and not get too full of ourselves, which is something many of us do, particularly as a leader. As I jokingly say to my wife Michelle sometimes, “Do you have any idea how important I think I am?” We must laugh at ourselves, notice when we get too serious, and have enough self awareness to keep things in a healthy perspective. 

 
We’re always going through a process of growth, discovery, and challenge in life — especially as leaders. This process doesn’t have to be difficult or painful, although sometimes it can be. The more transparent we are about our own process and the more willing we are to let the people around us know what we’re dealing with, learning, and challenged by, the more we let them know who we truly are, give them insight into how we operate, and create an environment around us that is open, authentic, and conducive for individual and collective growth. 

 
As leaders most of us like to help others, but often we have a difficult time asking for and receiving help. Requesting help can be perceived, especially by us, as an admission of weakness or an acknowledgment that we’re not capable of doing something. However, all of us need help and support — and in some cases, we need a lot of it. Being the kind of leader who is comfortable enough with yourself and the people around you to admit when you don’t know something, can’t do something, or simply need help in making something happen, is not a sign of weakness; it’s both a sign of strength and an opportunity to empower others in an authentic way. 

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info – www.Mike-Robbins.com

  • Share your fear and insecurity
  • Don’t take yourself too seriously
  • Share your own process, journey, and challenges
  • Ask for and receive help from others
  •  

    Comment by Sylvia Lafair:

    Good check list for all of us; and agreed, we all have an opportunity to lead, regardless of professional status. However, unless we learn to bring to light hidden parts of ourselves, it is impossible to know what really scares us, why we often dance around admitting mistakes and being vulnerable, or why it is so hard to ask for help.

     
    In “Don’t Bring It to Work” there are 13 behavior patterns that we learned from our original organization, the family that we bring into our work, community organizations, friendships, and love relationships. It is when we put some elbow grease in to Observe, Understand and Transform these patterns (denier, victim, martyr, avoider, etc.) that we find the way OUT of old, ingrained patterns. Then what Mike suggests really can make a difference.

    Fast Company: Summer Reading

    Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

    William C. Taylor, co-founder of Fast Company offered us the opportunity to pause, take stock, and dive under the sound bites of today’s living. There appears to be so little time to dig down and as he says, “think deeper, look broader, and reflect” on what questions are worth asking.

    The books on his list for summer reading and the comments by well respected individuals hopefully will give you the impetus to order one or two that strike your fancy. Let me know what books have impacted your life view and why. The more lists of great books that folks can choose from, the better.

    I’d like to add two of my all time favorites. “Jitterbug Perfume” by Tom Robbins, tells a tale that takes us to New Orleans and then links us with our roots from, well, the beginnings of when we got past talking in “ugg” and “mugg” sound bites. Another is “Steps to an Ecology of Mind” by anthropologist Gregory Bateson that requests we think in terms of systems and how everything is connected. It’s what the world needs now.

    In this day and age reading almost seems an extravagance. It’s not. It is essential for us to slow down and savor words and sentences, thoughts and ideas and then find others with whom we can, as Taylor suggests, “think deeper, look broader and reflect” on what really matters.

    Teaching Leadership

    Tuesday, July 6th, 2010

    There has been a fascinating discussion going on for several weeks on the Leadership Think Tank Group on LinkedIn. The question is “If you could teach one thing to a young leader what would it be?”

    There have been over 250 responses and the vast array of answers creates a composite of the myriad aspects of  leadership development. It does seem that the largest number of answers believe that leadership is an art and craft that can be learned.

    One particular answer by Tom Tavares caught my attention. He talks about helping leaders with the vital skill of problem solving under pressure. He states “Based on 500 in-depth profiles of leaders in a wide variety of industries, 80% or more fall back on their own problem-solving skills when under pressure. Leaders start their careers as specialists and are strong problem-solvers. When pressure builds, fixing things themselves provides a sense of control.”

    This is so true and is something we all need to consider when the going is tough. In “Don’t Bring It to Work” I talk about the fact that when stress hits the hot button we all tend to revert to patterns of behavior learned in our original organization, the family and that is what we bring into the workplace.

    Think about how you coped under pressure when you were eight or ten or fourteen. Now, look at how you problem solve in your adult life at work? What are the common threads? this will help you find the way out to new and more effective behavior.

    In the third session of our Total Leadership Connections program problem solving is a key theme. Participants have the opportunity to do a “Pep Talk” concerning a problem-solving issue of their choosing. They can decide to address a work issue or one closer to home. Pep Talk stands for “Pattern Encounter Process” and there is the opportunity to look at the long-term behavior patterns, the coping mechanisms that absolutely pop-up unconsciously when there is stress and anxiety.

    What is amazing is how hard it is to see it on ourselves when we are in those stress-filled moments. We learned how to survive when we were kids. How do I know? Just look in the mirror; we’re still here. Trouble is what worked for us as youngsters is not always the best solution as an adult.

    Think about it; did you take the fight or flight route? Many a young leader both takes the offensive and is a persecutor and finger pointer in getting through tough times. Others take the avoider route and figures everything will handle itself if I just wait long enough. Others become the victim, some the rescuers. There are the deniers who look a problem square in the face and say “No big deal”.

    We can see so many of the patterned responses playing out in the tragedy of the BP oil fiasco. But wait, before you cast the first stone, look inside and think about your own leadership manner of working through tough times at work.

    Back to Tom Tavares advice; he suggests leaders take the route of collaboration saying “one mind and many hands is less intelligent than many minds in solving problems from the outset.”  I agree that this can help stop the old patterned responses from taking over. Being able to use your leadership team in a cooperative manner and making sure there is openness to question decisions can lead to better and best decisions in the long run.

    Become an Office Environmentalist

    Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

    I was doing some research about the environment. My mind went to Henry David Thoreau and how he was a “gadfly” to keep people connected to nature. He was a searcher for the truth and knew that our inner nature is connected with outer nature.

    His life, his writing, was about seeking the deeper meaning, of everything. We have become such a “sound bite” nation any idea that takes more than five words to express is ignored.

    Maybe we do need to stop, during these summer months and be quiet in nature’s bounty. Sit with the tress and flowers, sit with the sand and water, sit with the stars at night, and just sit. It was in this quiet that Thoreau wrote “Walden“.

    What does this have to do with work you are wondering; nothing and everything?

    We are living in such a polluted world and it is not just the physical chemicals, the oil, and the trash that is bearing down on us. We are also burdened with workplace conflict that seems to get worse and worse all the time.

    With my coaching clients I am hearing more and more disaffection that co-workers have with each other. With all the team building programs, all the pizza parties, all the community days set aside, there is still an edge of tension in most work environments.

    This emotional pollution is causing untold stress and it tumbles from home to work to little league. What can be done?

    The idea of being an office environmentalist came to me as I was researching information about Thoreau. He died at the young age of 44 and left a legacy for others, including Gandhi and Martin Luther King to look at what I am calling emotional pollution and take a stand.

    We are spending way too much time yelling at company officers who have done poor jobs, not just BP, check out the poor quality cement work of Halliburton in the Gulf as another example.

    It’s not about how bad “they” are. What about our personal responsibilities for maintaining our beautiful planet, for being kind and civil to each other at work, in our communities?

    This Thoreau quote stayed with me, I offer it to you “There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root.”

    Take some quiet time this summer and think about how you can help get to the root.

    Leadership Strategies and Mirror Neurons

    Monday, June 28th, 2010

    Here is the scene: at an off-site I was facilitating last week someone on the team was angry with a colleague. How did we all know Ted was angry?

    He smiled. He answered questions in a smooth, quiet voice. He looked engaged……almost.

    Yet, whenever his colleague, Dan spoke, Ted would shift from side to side. He would stop smiling and look as if he was sucking on a lemon. His would squint, as if tracking an impending storm in the far away clouds.

    Soon everyone in the room had taken on a similar look; twelve people sucking on invisible lemons and waiting for the storm to start.

    I waited until the first break and took Ted aside. What was happening? He was “surprised”, actually, surprised and relieved that I had noticed. “Well” he hesitated for a long, long moment. “Well, Sylvia Dan is a liar.” He waited to see how that statement went down.

    I responded with a “request sentence” I teach participants in our Total Leadership Connections program. “Tell me more” I stated and then shut up.

    The essence of the issue between Ted and Dan could derail the entire group if it is left blowing in the wind. It can cause havoc because they are two strong and competent leaders who would intentionally or unintentionally cause the rest of the group to choose sides.

    Have you ever been on a team where members are smiling, talking properly and yet the dissention is there; and everyone knows it? I bring this up because it is a vital part of team dynamics and all team building programs should require a section about workplace conflict resolution. Unless conflict is faced and resolved it become like a systemic disease that impacts everyone.

    I’d like to have you send me your “war stories” and how they were (or were not) handled elegantly. The first three will receive a copy of my book “Don’t Bring It to Work” and will be the basis of a series of blogs I am doing to help diminish conflict in the workplace.

    Do Exec’s Make Lousy Spouses

    Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

    Sometimes I think we are looking at little tidbits of information hoping that will give us easy answers. Partly we all have been trained to sort and judge, sort and judge, sort and judge. It is initially more complex to look at the whole enchilada, the whole system for answers.

    The blog about “Do Successful Executives Make Lousy Spouses” is a case in point. My first inclination was to really drill down into what constitutes success. I know it is more than money, more than the title, more than dividing up the housework. My second thought was if there is executive success there should be outside help for the housework.

    I’d love your comments on how you handle the dividing thing at home and how it is working so we can all learn new ways of cooperating.

    Finding fairness ain’t easy no matter how “successful” we are!

     

    BNET Article by Steve Tobak:

    A guy works his tail off climbing the corporate ladder. He sacrifices everything else to achieve success for himself and his family. In the meantime, his wife stays home with the kids and the housework. Ultimately, she divorces him. Why? Because, she sacrificed too, and got a lousy husband for her trouble.  

    Think that’s an old story out of the 50s or an exaggeration? It’s not. It’s all too common, especially when it comes to CEOs, executives, and business leaders. There’s quite a bit of data, not to mention anecdotal information, to support the idea that lopsided marriages just don’t work.

    And that means workaholic and travelaholic executives who “do it all for the family” may one day come home to an empty house. In Getting to 50/50, former Goldman Sachs managing director Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober, who runs a private equity fund, draw some fascinating conclusions: 

    • The divorce rate is lower when couples share housework
    • The divorce rate drops sharply when the woman works too
    • The risk of divorce is lowest when the man earns 60% of the income and does 40% of housework
    • Among couples over 40, two thirds of the divorces are initiated by the women

    The wealth of research seems to indicate that, regardless of how hard men work, how successful they are, and how much money they bring home, most women seem to have a real problem when their husbands are slackers at home and aren’t around to help raise the kids. And they often feel resentful for having to sacrifice their own careers.

    And I can substantiates that data with my own personal experience. For a long time, I was one of the those workaholic executives who travelled and worked most of the time. I felt entitled to forgo the housework, not to mention being selfish about my spare time and insensitive to the sacrifices my wife made. Not that she ever complained, but let’s just say things are very different now.

    Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of guys screw up their marriages by assuming that anything goes as long as they bring home the bacon. But when it comes to clueless executive husbands, this guy I used to work for, the president of a public company, definitely takes the cake. We’ll call him John Smith. One day Mrs. Smith called John’s office at around 6 pm:

    “John Smith’s office, Cathy speaking.”

    “Hi Cathy, it’s Mrs. Smith. Listen, John was supposed to be home half an hour ago to play tennis with his son. Has he left yet or is he running late, as usual?”    

    “Well,” Cathy hesitated, “I’m sorry, but John isn’t here.”

    “Well, where is he?”

    “Um …,” long pause, “John got on a plane to China hours ago.”

    Now, I suppose that every relationship is unique, but the data doesn’t lie and neither does my experience. Bottom line, if I had the chance to do it over again, I’d do these three things differently:

    1. Sacrifice a little work time and at least make an effort to do some housework every week.
    2. Encourage and support my wife’s career, even if it means slowing my own climb up the corporate ladder, regardless of the disparity in pay.
    3. Google “narcissist.”

    How about you? Is your work-family life out of balance? And do you think anything changes if you reverse the genders?

     

    Sylvia Lafair’s Comment:

    I just wish it all boiled down to splitting the housework, or making sure the temperature in the house is not too cold or too hot, or sharing the remote for the TV.

    It’s just not that easy. The forces for workaholism, super achieving, martyrdom, and victimhood live way deep down in invisible behaviors (also called unconscious) that make us need to over prove ourselves, overgive to others, or take blame for everything that goes wrong.

    I believe that the best leaders and parents are those who take the time to observe, understand and then transform behavior that limit healthy relationships with oneself and with others.

    Then doing the housework is merely a little bleep in the day.

    Leadership and Listening

    Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010

    Since we know the only constant in life is change, I wonder why we do not have many courses on this vital subject throughout our school years. It should be part of curriculum beginning in elementary school. It is so basic to physiology, psychology, life in general.

    I have joined a group on LinkedIn that explores change and the following is the beginning of a dialogue started by a colleague in Australia. I’d love to hear more comments. The question is key, “what do we listen for to get the essence of how another thinks, hears, and feels the impact of change?”

    Here’s to a happy and productive day of “whatever comes along!”

    Dialogue Question by Vincent Wall, Owner, Springboard Management Group: What is most effective in developing change analysts listening skills? Beyond paraphrasing, clarifying, reconfirming, checking client context, identifying the unspoken, speak to the listening?

    Comment by Sylvia Lafair:  Check your GUT! There are always emotion laden words that will slide by if you let them. This is where the real action is. We are all connected and mirror neurons (how words/actions of other) impact us. In “Don’t Bring It to Work” there is a part called “Sound Bites” to help get in step with how to respond to power words that otherwise would go under the radar.

    Leadership Kaleidoscope

    Friday, June 18th, 2010

    We just finished one of the most rewarding retreats of…. forever!

    Big statement; now I will explain. For the past year we have been working with school district administrators in suburban Pennsylvania.

    That includes 21 men and women who care about education and care about children.

    June 2009 was their first off-site, a two day program to help them coalesce into a seamless team. Seated in the circle of chairs in the beautiful great room at The Country Place Retreat and Conference Center were kindergarten, elementary, middle, and high school principles, head of special education, curriculum, counseling, finance, transportation, grounds, maintenance, assistant superintendent, and superintendent.

    Let me paint the picture from last year. Anyone can sit in a circle. Anyone can say what they think is expected of them. Not just anyone can begin the journey to the truth, to the heart of the matter. With this group it took time and it took the superintendent to start the ball rolling.

    When a leader is willing to be self aware and share the essence of that awareness with a team, magic happens.

    That is what happened on the last morning of last year. The group had not yet become a team. The elephants and gorillas were standing sentry. It was going to have a disappointing end, sort of like a stale and soggy afternoon at the beach.

    Then the superintendent asked if she could speak. There was an uncomfortable quiet. She talked about her pattern as a super achiever and how she hated to ask for help. She then looked around the room and asked for help.

    One year later: an air of “Can Do” permeated the circle. Same type of chairs, same circle, yet, what a difference; this was a group that had coalesced into a team of aligned colleagues who supported each other and had become a kaleidoscope. Each was a different shape, different color, each had a different perspective about issues, yet they all had a common goal of helping the youngsters grow and learn.

    Kaleidoscopes make gorgeous images no matter which way you turn them, point of light that blend together in new and unique ways from moment to moment.