Archive for the ‘Marital coaching’ Category

Women Leadership and Change Management

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

 

This is a time for women to pat themselves on the back for all the successes that have come in the last 60 years. The role of women has changed dramatically, and it has been mostly a quiet revolution.

 
But there have been some loud bumps and bleeps along the way, like the angry wife who took action to cut off her husband’s private parts, rather than just wish she could. With the rash of cheaters now making the headlines that may be something to rethink instead of all the shame-faced public apologies. Scratch that, it was just a wandering thought!

 
Since, within the next several months women will become the majority of the workforce, and we know there is power in numbers, it is an important time to think about what we, both female and male, want to have as change initiative, moving forward.

 
I would like to underline the importance of a partnership model. Women and men need to talk in a new and more effective way. It is about how we connect and relate around the things that matter most – our relationships and how to be stewards for the future generations.

 
Not enough air time has been given to these priorities, and as a society I believe we are suffering and self- medicating through substances, sex, and shopping.

 
There is a new feminism (what about a new ‘malism’) that takes into account the differences in the way men and women are wired. We need to find a middle way that takes into account how male and female brains process information. Not good or bad, just DIFFERENT.

 
Even more importantly, we need to take into account the legacy we hand to the next generation. So far, we, and that means all of us, have not gotten high marks here. What are we teaching our kids about what it means to be a woman, a man, a business person, a citizen, a human being?

 
The workplace is the place where change can happen and happen quickly. It is the place that has changed the most in the past century. It is the place that women and men can begin a true dialogue and real partnership can occur.

John Edwards and Leadership Values

Friday, January 22nd, 2010

The saga of John Edwards is more tragic than it is disgusting. Here is a man who has lied and lied, not just to the world, but most importantly, to himself. And my big question is why we, as a nation, are so gullible? Why did we take so long to see his charade?

 
Were there aspects of his tendency to cover the truth when he was running for President of the United States? He always posed with such a pretty face and spoke such pretty words. I remember having an annoying feeling in my gut that all was not right with his world and yet, and yet….it takes determination and a capacity for tenacity to even become a contender for the White House crown. He had credentials and had been vetted by his colleagues, deemed worthy of the job.

 
The day I knew he was down in the dirt of it was when he visited his “past relationship” late at night and on his way out was caught by a reporter and made a dash to run and hide. That made me cringe, thinking about how he would have handled a major international crisis.

 
Now, I can only hope he finds a way to make peace with all of his relationships: his ill wife, his children with her, his “mistress”, and the love-child they brought into the world.

 
This type of situation goes deeply into the psyches of the next generation, and the next. In our Total Leadership Connections program, participants are asked to chart their family history – to learn what patterns of the past have influenced their present thinking and behavior. It is an eye opening process that helps leaders become clear about what “baggage” they carry into their important jobs.

 
Perhaps all captains of industry, all leaders of organizations, all who are in positions of power for the public good need to take the time to do what we have named the “Sankofa Map”. The term Sankofa is from Ghana, from its mythology and means “clear the past to free the present”.

 
The wisdom of older cultures is that they took into account the behaviors of ancestors. There was a sense that what was done would impact both present and future generations. These concepts might serve us well in this day of instant gratification and power paradigms.

 
For John Edwards, Elizabeth, et al., I can only hope that there is a period of honesty and truth telling that can begin the long, arduous process of clearing the past to free the present.

Leadership Transgressions

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

Are leaders measured by different standards than the rest of us? If not, they should be! They are the ones who set the standards of what matters at work, or in society, and if they are in the “Follow me, I know the best way to go” mode, then we really need to ask and understand what and why we should follow.

It is time to evaluate our teachers, our politicians, our gurus by standards that show they live what they teach. However, are sports stars or media moguls in the same classification? They are great at letting us know the best way to swing a bat, make a basket, run a race or what to wear to be hip and in. That is a far different cry than how to live a life.

What are the questions we should be asking of our leaders? Do we have a right to ask about their personal lives or is it enough that they show us how to make money or gain an edge over our competition at work?

Perhaps all the “news” about affairs and betrayals are exploding so that we can ask the real questions about what it means to compose a life, to live with integrity. All leadership development programs need a section to look at the ethics of living a purposeful life, one that can withstand today’s demand for radical transparency.

Eugene Robinson’s article in The Washington Post is a great example of what we are searching for in our own lives as we explore the foibles and mistakes of others. A big question is why we are spending so much time dissecting Tiger Woods and his troubles when we have global warming and starvation and wars to contend with. Perhaps we are all looking at the rich and famous and seeing ourselves in them, No, not the big houses or shiny cars, more the underlying human dilemmas of what it really takes to be happy aside from the glitz and glitter.

Maybe it is time for us to sit with each other and redefine success. Do the Tiger Woods of the world exemplify successful living just because they can be golf wizards or Wall Street magicians?

It is time for all of us to think about, and share with each other, how we can bring forth in our culture what we all desire: love, truth, fairness, trust, and empathy. If out of all the messes in relationships we have seen this year, we can begin to open up dialogues about our human connection, then Tiger, Governor Sanford, Bernie Madoff, and the like will have given us a gift beyond just the ramble of gossip.

Tigers, Politicians, and Sexual Ethics

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

In a recent Psychology Today article, there was an old spin on the Tiger Woods affair. He did what he did, “because he could”, suggests the PhD psychologist. It was the aphrodisiac of power that lured him into “misbehaving”.

Remember when Bill Clinton had the whole world riveted with his shenanigans in the oval office? Lots of time went into the discussion of “should we care or not, and “whose business is it anyway”? and “it only belongs with the family”.

I could go on and on with names. Anyone remember Governor Mark Sanford? Elliot Spitzer? John Edwards? And if we continue to peel the onion back, we can find female names to add to the mix. Did Kate Gosselin “do it” with her security guard or not?

Why so much hype about what goes on in various bedrooms or motel rooms around the world? Is it just the love of gossip or, is it something else, something deeper in the generic psyche of people struggling to make sense out of relationships and what it means to commit to another?

Maybe the gossip, the endless articles, the “experts” on T.V. dissecting the reasons and back stories of the rich and famous are really our stories too –  all of our stories. Maybe we, both men and women, want to make sense out of the commitment of marriage, out of the sacredness of family, out of how we should behave as models for future generations.

This appears to be a time of “radical transparency” when sexual and monetary transgressions are coming to light faster and more intently than in the past. It is too easy to brush this subject off with the “because s/he could” psychology.

Is there such a thing as sexual ethics? Is this the time for leadership development programs to tackle the issue of the ethics of how we relate to each other, to those we love, to sex, to money? Is this a time for teens to learn more than how to prevent pregnancy or just say “no” to sex, drugs, or cheating? 

Now, I am not the type of prude that Europeans, who disregard most American, laugh about; those righteous individuals who spend so much time spying into the bedrooms of others and wagging their fingers at the results. I believe if folks want to carouse and test out different relationships, that is their prerogative. However, and this is a big HOWEVER, I do put out a plea for deeper discussion and understanding of the power of intimate relationships – actually, all relationships.

You see, I know that we can only get out of relationships as much as we are willing to put into them. So, if we dabble, well, don’t expect long term deep commitment back. And if we are willing to deep-dive into the mystery of relating, there are the priceless pearls that can only be retrieved from way at the bottom of the ocean of emotional and personal commitment.

It is time for us to break the patterns of the past that said “look away, ignore, deny, and avoid what is difficult and unpleasant”. It is time for all of us to ask what really matters and stop giving superficial answers to issues that are at the core of what it means to be a human being of integrity. It’s about you, it’s about me, and it’s about time!

The Tiger and the Truth

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

Lots of buzz about Tiger Woods and a party girl coming to the surface after the car crash on Thanksgiving. What does it mean to you and to me? Does it really matter if he is having an affair? Does it matter that he won’t talk to the police? Does it matter that Nike is standing by their guy? 

All of this will swirl for a week or two and then fall into that mysterious void where old stories go as new ones emerge. One thing we know is that Tiger is a great golf player. Beyond that what are his virtues? Have we ever voted for him to be an exemplary leader? Do we really all want our kids to be like him? Is it all about money and recognition?

Maybe this is the time for us to all exhale and really think about the role models we want to offer the younger generations. Maybe it is time for leadership development programs to do a deep dive into what makes someone a leader rather than just a “talking head” for sports stuff, clothing stuff or cars.

We have become so boringly superficial about what we want our kids to emulate that other than “things”, we have little to value. If Tiger had been the same great golf player and had not made a boatload of money would we still be mesmerized by his style?

As an executive coach and family therapist, it was not difficult to put together the implications of slamming into a tree at 2:30 am. It sounded like a family feud with some guilt and sadness sprinkled into the mix.

So, how much do we need to know? What will make us feel complete with this incident? How many magazine covers will it take till we are saturated with Tiger and his troubles? And, what would it mean if Tiger Woods came forward and said “Yes, we are having some marital issues and are in the process of getting help to find a better way”?

Positive role models are human beings who have learned to tell the truth in a way that helps us all see a better path from a difficult situation. That‘s where real leadership shows up. In our Total Leadership Connections program we teach that telling the truth is a high art form. It takes discipline and practice in our culture that is prone to either hide or embellish what is really going on.  What we teach is that telling the truth is not spilling your guts. We also teach that it is not running away from a situation so that rumors and innuendos languish in dark places.

So, let’s hope one of Tiger’s ‘handlers’ helps him find the courage to say simply, “Yes, we have problems and we are working on them”.

That would be a leader I would want to suggest my kids and grandchildren take seriously beyond just a super skill with a golf club.